Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

17

The guilt I felt for the couple of kisses were nothing compared to what I felt when I woke up in the morning. It was almost a surreal experience, as if this should have been a dream I had to wake up from. That was my only reasoning for doing this. I had to be in a dream where I wasn't myself.

Still, as I lay there on Vic's bed, I knew that this was reality. I slept with Vic, and boy I wish I meant literally slept with him. But no, I was laying there under the covers, completely naked. For a while, I didn't move. I couldn't. Moving meant I was awake and had to deal with the aftermath.

Soon though, I made myself sit up. My head spun and I hated to say that my entire body felt so good. It was my head and my heart that didn't though. I looked at Vic's sleeping body. I couldn't believe I did this. What was I thinking? What was he thinking? I couldn't even think for myself right now. I just knew that I was suffocating being in here and wanted to get as far away as possible.

I quietly got out of the bed and found my clothes laying around the cabin. I felt sick. I felt really, really sick. This wasn't okay. I got dressed as quickly as I could, and then I went to leave. When I opened the sliding door though, it screeched loudly on the rollers.

I stopped, frozen. I glanced back at Vic to see him waking up. I didn't wait around for him. In a hurry I left the cabin and got off the boat. I jogged down the dock to my car. My hands were shaking as I unlocked it, got in and started the engine. I sat there, breathing heavily as nothing but the dull roar of the engine filled the silence.

I closed my eyes as my face contorted in pain, then I felt my cheeks getting wet. I was the worst person ever to do this. I was a slut and felt nothing but shame. I sobbed as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. It just hurt so badly. How could I ever betray Ashton like this? Kisses were one thing that lasted a fleeting moment and could be put down to a mistake. But this? I had so many chances to stop it, and I didn't. I was an awful person.

I looked up, over at the docks, and I saw Vic in just his jeans, jumping off the boat. He was coming over towards me but I didn't want to see him right now. I couldn't. I drove away from him and as I watched him from the rear-view mirror, I saw him still walking towards me, but I was too quick for him.

I drove home as best I could with blurry vision. I didn't know what was going to make this okay again, if anything. I could never take back what I did. I had royally screwed up and any chance I had at redeeming myself was diminished. The thought that I had hit rock bottom actually made me feel calm. I couldn't possibly get any lower than this, right?

By the time I got home, the crying had stopped. I felt completely numb and moved out of my car like I was on autopilot. I went inside. The dog still wasn't anywhere to be seen, but right now my mood was too down to even care.

It was so quiet inside. It was so strange to walk back into the house and not to hear the scuffling of the dog somewhere or Vic working upstairs. There was nothing now. Just me. By myself.

I headed upstairs. I didn't know what I was looking for. I just wanted something to make me feel better. Nothing would, of course. Ashton forgave me for kissing Vic, but he would never forgive me for this. I would never forgive myself.

I went into my old bedroom; the one I shared with Ashton. It wasn't often I came in here, but I was hoping it would make me feel better. I didn't know why I felt that, but I did. I was wrong. Being in this room, the room we shared, the room we spent so many nights in together, it just reminded me of everything that had gone wrong.

Suddenly I was so filled with anger. Why did he have to leave me like this? He left me all alone to figure all this out by myself. He was gone and I had to deal with my guilt. I had to deal with this house, and Vic, and every other damn thing and he was gone.