Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

10

For the first time in awhile I woke up in an actual bed, and for the first time in a long time, I was alone. My head pounded and my eyes were so sore and puffy that I could barely open them. I couldn't remember a whole lot about how I got to bed, just that Vic was here, and then he wasn't.

The mere thought of Vic made me cringe. I couldn't believe I kissed him. I was just that it felt so good at the time among all the pain I was feeling. It calmed me down if for not only a moment. At the time I didn't really realize what I did, but now it was sinking in. I kissed Vic. For the second time.

I sat up in bed. Light was shining through the window. It didn't seem too early in the morning. My headache was the reason I got up. I needed to find some aspirin, so I trudged downstairs. I glanced at the time. It was nine in the morning. Vic would probably be here soon. I didn't know what I was going to say to him. My game plan was to pretend it never happened.

I went to the kitchen, had some aspirin with a glass of water, then headed back upstairs so I could have a shower, hoping that'd relax my muscles, which it ended up doing. I found myself sitting on the shower floor with my head against the tile wall, staying there for a lot longer than I should have.

I betrayed Ashton. Again. What kind of person am I that I kiss another guy so soon after my fiancé dies? I felt awful. It was so unfair on him, like I was dishonoring his memory. I groaned and lightly hit my head against the wall. That was just what I needed, some other emotion to confuse me.

I had noticed something different about myself this morning though. I was less frustrated than I had been. All this time I didn't know what to feel, and now that I let it all out and let myself really feel everything, it was like I sped over a speed bump and honestly it was so relieving.

So there I was, feeling better about my grief, but feeling worse about my betrayal. It was like with every step forward, something would push me back and now I couldn't stop thinking about what Vic would think of me now, and more importantly, knowing that Ashton would be disgusted with me.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

Of course, I would never get to tell him that and I would never get a chance to plead forgiveness. He'd never have a chance to get mad at me. We'd never have a chance to fight over it. We'd never have a chance to make up afterwards. I even missed the arguments we used to have, not that we had many. I missed how he only used to get mad for a split second and moments later he would hug me and we'd get over whatever silly thing we were fighting over. I'd never feel that kind of comfort again.

Last night, I finally let go and cried. Now, it was like I opened some portal into my emotions and the tears were coming so easily. They blended in to the water falling on me that was slowly turning cold the longer I sat there. When I noticed how wrinkly my hands were getting, I decided to get up, turn the shower off and get dried and dressed.

I didn't know what to do today. For a while I lounged around until I came to the conclusion that Vic wasn't coming over. I guess I really had screwed up last night. Maybe he hated me. After all, Ashton was Vic's friend, so maybe he hates me for betraying him too. If he did, then did I really care? Vic had never been my friend, but my stomach still dropped at the thought of him hating me, and the longer I sat there waiting for him to get here, the worse I felt.

I was restless. I was bored. I was over sleeping all day so that wasn't an option. I ended up outside on the front porch, clipping Flash's leash to his collar.

"Wanna go for a walk?" I asked him.

He had no clue what I was saying, but he still stood there, wagging his tail happily.

"Alright, come on then," I said.

We left the house and went on our walk. I didn't live too far from town, I guess. It was just a bit of a trek through the woods. We stayed off the roads and took a shortcut. Ashton and I used to run these tracks all the time. I felt little comfort at least having Flash here with me.