Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

20

I sat on the porch swing early in the morning, slowly swinging back and forth. I woke up long ago, much before Vic had even begun to stir. My head was pounding after last night, but overall I felt a lot calmer, at least compared to how I was.

I listened to the voicemail again. After I woke up, I realized I couldn't remember anything Ashton actually said. I had been so focused on hearing his voice again that I didn't register anything, and while I was alone in those surreal first moments of daybreak, I sat there and listened to him speak.

The first time I listened again, I just cried. The second time, I actually listened. I heard what he had to say to me and when I did, my heart filled with warmth. It was almost too easy getting Ashton's blessing to move on with my life. It didn't feel right, even if he said it was okay.

I couldn't help but think that maybe if I was feeling something for a complete stranger then it would have been okay. It was the fact that it was Vic that made me think Ashton might not have approved. Still, I had been so afraid that Ashton would hate me every time I felt an ounce of happiness, but after hearing his message I thought that maybe I was allowed to smile every once in a while. Maybe I was allowed to move on.

How soon was too soon though? It had been two months since he died, but it still felt like a week ago. Two months didn't seem like a long time at all. Were there rules to things like this? I wished there was, then maybe I wouldn't have to figure it out on my own.

I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt even thinking about another guy for a second. I still felt like I was betraying Ashton, even though his voice told me over and over again that it was okay. I was still so hung up on Ashton and that didn't seem to be changing any time soon.

I don't think I'll ever let go of him. Did I even have to be over him to move on with my life? Was it possible to love two people at once? Love? The word was ridiculous in correlation to Vic. I didn't love him. I couldn't. It was absurd.

I listened to the message for maybe the tenth time today. I listened to him telling me to love someone again. I guess that eased my conscious, if only a little bit. It was nice knowing that Ashton wouldn't be mad at me for the things I had done, but I still found myself arguing with that. I almost didn't believe his message.

Again, I listened to again, really paying attention to his voice. There was nothing I could detect that hinted towards him lying to me. He was genuine. He wanted me to move on. He wanted me to be happy, but with Vic though? That's where I felt stuck. I was running around in circles thinking of this.

I put my phone down and stared out at the woodlands. Let's say, there was nothing standing in the way of Vic and I. Let's pretend that we were two guys that just happened to meet under normal circumstances. Would I want to be with him? The 'pretend' game wasn't working out too well with me. I was too much of an over thinker.

I couldn't separate real life from this little game I made up in my head. There was too much going on up there. Obviously there was something between Vic and I. I had kissed him a few times. I slept with him. I wanted him around all the time. I wanted to hold him and I wanted him to hold me. That was something I craved and a feeling I couldn't shake. The thing was though, I didn't know if I wanted all of that because I was attracted to him, or if I wanted all that because I needed comfort from him.

I had to figure out how I felt for Vic separated from comfort. I needed the time to do that. I didn't want any added pressure. I knew he liked me, and I knew he probably wanted some sort of indication about how I felt for him, but I couldn't give that to him just yet. I needed time.

"Hey," Vic's voice startled me.

I jumped from my thoughts as my heart raced a million miles an hour. I was so deep in thought that I forgot he was still here. I looked at him. His hair was a mess and his shirt was off, and when it came off in the middle of the night, I had no clue. I didn't know if it was because he caught me thinking about him or because of how he looked, but my cheeks heated.