Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

15

I felt like the entire world just flipped upside down with a simple sentence. I didn't think he was being serious, but when I saw the look on his face, I knew that he meant it. This couldn't be happening. If Ashton knew then he died knowing that I was a horrible person, and that just killed me.

"W-what...What are you...What?" I stuttered.

"He saw us that night," he said.

I stood there, stunned. I was unable to speak or even think. None of it made sense.

"How?" I finally asked, "Wait...no...no, this is wrong. He never said anything. He never acted different. He didn't know."

"But he did know. He told me he was never angry, not really, anyway," he said.

"What?" I asked in confusion, and then my confusion peaked further when I realized that Vic knew this all along and didn't say anything.

"What the fuck? He told you? What? When? How?" I asked quickly.

"Can you do me a favor and stop and take a breath for a moment?" he asked.

"No! You're telling me he knew? Before the accident you were making sure I didn't tell him anything, but he knew anyway? And you knew he knew!?" I was having a hard time making sense of this.

"I didn't know then. It wasn't until after. Can you just let me explain?" he asked in frustration.

"Explain!" I shouted.

"Alright," he said, putting his hands up defensively, "It was when we were in the car...after it all happened. We were waiting for an ambulance. We were talking and he brought it up. He said that at first, that night, he was mad. He came back to the car and was upset, but we never noticed because we were drunk."

My mind was reeling. I guess when Vic admitted that Ashton knew, I just thought Vic told him at some point. I didn't think he actually saw us. I felt a million times worse. He witnessed me doing something so low. It would have ripped his heart out.

"We didn't even...I didn't...he wasn't there?" I said, but it was a false hope.

"He was...he saw the end of it, apparently," he said.

I shook my head as my throat tightened and tears spilled, "Why didn't he say anything?"

"Because...the next day he heard you crying in the bathroom, and he knew that you knew you fucked up. He knew you so well, Kellin. He knew how bad you felt just by looking at you. He knew I hated myself for it too by the way I was acting. He was never a hateful person. He never held grudges. He knew we regretted it instantly so he let it go," he explained.

My entire body was shaking. I thought I knew everything there was to know about Ashton and never thought that there would be new revelations now that he was gone, but here I was, hearing of this act of pure kindness from Ashton, and perhaps even naivety given the way I had been feeling about Vic lately.

Ashton knew all along that Vic and I kissed. It had been eating me up for so long and he knew. He held onto that and took it to his grave and I never got the chance to speak with him about it.

"But..." my lip quivered, "...But I didn't get to say sorry..."

"You didn't have to. He forgave us," he said.

"How do you know that? I mean...how do you really...really know that? So, he let it go? He wasn't confrontational. He probably hated us deep down...How do you know he forgave us?" he asked. I'd be surprised if he understood what I said through my sobbing.

"Because..." He said and paused.

"Because why?" I asked.

He looked so worried, scared even.

"Vic..." I said firmly.

"Shit," he sighed, "You're gonna hate me for not telling you this sooner. I never did because I didn't want to make you upset."

"Just tell me!" I demanded.

"Okay! Kellin...he wanted me to tell you that it's okay and that he never held it against you. He wanted me to tell you he forgives you. He knew it was eating you up inside and he didn't want that. That's his words. That's what he wanted me to tell you," he said.

"And you never did?" I asked.

"I didn't know how to bring it up," he said.

"Like that's some excuse?! This has been killing me!" I screamed at him.

"I didn't know that! I didn't know you still think about it. It wasn't until you brought it up now," he said.

"That's bullshit! You could have made everything so much better but you kept it to yourself! Why!?" I asked. My throat hurt from yelling and crying, but I was a mess and I just wouldn't stop.

"I just told you, I didn't know how to bring it up!" he said.

"Do you enjoy seeing me upset? Is that it? It's that why you never told me!? You want me to keep on hating myself? Do you really hate me that much?" I asked.

"I never hated you! Complete fucking opposite actually! If you'd stop being such a self-absorbed little brat then maybe you'd realize that!" he yelled at me.

I wasn't in the mood for insults and I couldn't stand when people yelled at me, especially when I was emotional enough to begin with. I wasn't having any of this today.

"Just go home, Vic! Go home!" I shouted.

"No, I'm not leaving you like this," he said.

"That's not your place! We aren't friends, Vic! We never were! So just get the hell out of here!" I screamed.

I didn't wait for him to go. I pushed past him and went inside. I slammed the door shut and once I was alone, I broke down into tears and fell to the floor. I wiped the hot tears from my eyes as I tried to calm myself down.

I didn't know whether it was better knowing or not knowing. For a split second I wished that Vic hadn't told me, and a moment later that made me realize why he kept it from me. He should have told me though. He should have told me from the get go, not this long after.

I felt like complete and utter trash. Ashton was such a perfect angel. I had a hard time believing that he wouldn't be angry. If it were me in his position, then I would have been furious. Ashton was better than me though. He was perfect in every way. Of course he'd forgive me, but still, even with this new piece of information, I'd never get to tell him how truly sorry I was.