Sunshine & Saltwater [BxB] COMPLETED

le changement

Theo sunk his fingers into the soft sand, watching as it melted off his knuckles. The days were steadily getting warmer, and Theo didn't mind the cold ocean water lapping around his ankles as he sat on the shore.

He breathed in sharply, inhaling the crisp, salty air.

Sometimes it felt like he had to remind himself to breathe, to fill himself with the oxygen that was vital for his survival. His mind had gotten good at finding another realm to drift in, leaving reality behind and all the pain that went with it.

Theo thought....he had thought that the world was going to end. For the rest of the weekend, he had cried so much, that now there seemed to be no tears left for him to shed. But to his surprise, the world moved on without him.

Now Theo was just numb.

The pain that at first was jarring and heavy, always piercing and clawing at his chest, forcing its way up his throat, soon ebbed away, settling somewhere deep inside him that he could slowly learn to ignore.

It was only when he woke up that that bright pain bloomed in his chest again, and he could barely breathe, his hands clenching the mattress on either side of him. He could only get out of bed when the pain subsided, when his head stopped pounding, and he could clear his mind from the boy that used to make him feel simultaneously secure and terrified.

And at night, he tossed and turned in his bed, fighting for sleep, but never being able to shut off the sudden flood of sadness and anger and grief that bombarded him, and carried into any brief dreams, creating nightmarish flashbacks of Ronan sneering at him and laughing at him with his friends, causing Theo to wake up, his eyes burning, hot shame and confusion crawling under his skin.

Theo still missed him. Even when he shoved all the memories away, under every movement and thought, Theo missed Ronan.

He tried not to let their paths cross, and did everything to erase Ronan from his life—he blocked his number, email, Instagram, Snapchat, everything.

He was so close to dropping out of soccer, but decided he wasn't going to let a boy stop him from doing what he loves.

Joe was getting concerned. Not only did Theo get only a few hours of sleep every night, but he also looked like it too.

He told his mom that he broke up with Ronan. She didn't ask for details, so he never gave them. Theo guessed she probably knew that it hurt too much to think about.

But still—there was a question that kept nagging at Theo.

Did he make the right choice?

The answer to this question depended on his mood. Sometimes he felt like he should go and find Ronan immediately and kiss him until his knees go weak and he can't remember his own name, because everyone makes mistakes. But most of the time, Theo felt like he made the right decision. They weren't ready. Neither of them were comfortable in their own skin, let alone standing hand in hand for the whole world to see.

Theo told himself over and over that it was better off this way. Ronan needed to learn to be himself, by himself. Theo needed to be by himself too. And make more friends other than Joe, be more social, have fun, be a teenager.

And there was also the plain truth that Ronan was just his first, and that's why it seemed so life-ending. Ronan was the first boy he liked, the first boy he kissed, the first boy he dated, the first boy he fell in love with, and finally, the first boy he broke up with.

Sometimes Theo wondered if his pain was coming more from the fear of believing that there were no other boys who would kiss him back, tell him they loved him, than actual heartbreak.