My Mask: Unveiled

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A closet filled with different roles played to always satisfy and make others happy…

Never have i found a person i can fully be myself with. I've always been forced to play a role with everyone. Everyone expects things from me and i give it to them, but as soon as i get comfortable and show myself, my fragility, my brokenness, my pain, my broken heart that has cried so much before that it can't let out a tear anymore, i am forced back into my shell and forced in another role…

I have to be nice and loving and caring for everyone, take their pains onto mine, carry them to happiness that doesn't exist for me…

I'm lost, i'm fucking lost in all my masks, my false beings, my emptiness, my void, my roles i play to make them all happy meanwhile i'm stuck in my shell and i can't let it out to anyone because they don't know how to handle me nor do i think they care but i can't even fucking cry it out because i'm that lost in myself…

I can't find myself. I've drowned myself because i thought i was never enough, therefore here i am playing different roles to satisfy everybody else yet i'm always left behind to drown in my tears that won't come out…

I'm not ok, i'm just a rather good actor…

I'm not lying, you're believing me…

If one day i just stopped being so loving and caring and i just showed myself, everyone i know will be concerned and everyone else will turn their backs, in fact, everyone will turn their back because they never cared about taking care of me, no. They were having so much fun with me giving them my happiness…

At the end of the day, i'm just an empty shell, wearing cloaks to satisfy all those who see me. To some i'm a casanova, making friends all over. To some i'm a clown, making everyone around me laugh and smile. to some i'm very talented, i'm smart, i'm a magnetic personality in general…

MEANWHILE I'M ALONE IN A CROWD, I PREFER TO BE ALONE, I HATE PEOPLE, I DON'T LIKE HAPPINESS BECAUSE IT ALWAYS BRINGS PAIN AND EMPTINESS INSIDE ME AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE DAY, THINKING ABOUT HOW I HUMILIATED MYSELF TO MAKE OTHERS SMILE AND TO MAKE OTHERS LIKE ME, MEANWHILE I'M OVER HERE LIVING A FUCKING LIE…

You know, sometimes it confuses me that nobody sees that i'm acting. Are they just fucking stupid or am i just that good? Though i don't want anybody in my bubble because they will do everything but make me feel better, like everyone has. They don't take the time to take care of me, no, they just beg for me to come back to normal. They don't know me, nor do they care to know me in this way, they just want to be happy…

Apparently i'm not human, no, i'm a fucking slave robot whose purpose is to satisfy others and only others. I'm meant to always wear a large smile to make them feel special and i'm meant to always be just great aren't i? Am i just a toy? Entertainment? Do i not deserve to be depressed or stressed or frustrated or upset or fucking pissed? No, because i have no one to let it out to so i have to fall back to a fucking book that probably nobody reads. Who knows? Maybe people read it, maybe you relate, maybe you're crying because you feel the same way … but i just don't know anymore…

I don't know who i am…

I don't know who to trust…

I don't know where i belong…

I don't know what to do…

I just don't know…

Sometimes i feel like just laying back and giving up on everything…

Not having to wake up every morning to go to school…

Not having to take care of others…

Not having to think about what role i play next just to please the next person. Where i can be alone, free, peaceful. I really don't know why just being treated like a human is too much to ask.

When you're not ok, i stick by your side and just help you let it out and reassure you it's going to be ok and i make sure that we both know that you're going to sleep peacefully. Or at least i try my hardest to stay calm and forget about what i'm dealing with to deal with you…

Meanwhile when i'm not ok, i'm forced to be ok, i'm manipulated, i'm yelled at, begged to be ok or else you won't be ok and i'm forced to deal with us both despite the fact that i'm already feeling like shit. I'm hated for my behaviour when i can't help my feelings, i'm forced to apologize for feeling bad but making an effort to make sure you feel good?

I humiliate myself and apologize for not being ok when we all know that we can't fucking control it. They're never strong enough to deal with me so they become the victim. I need to be sorry for my emotions meanwhile i'm being yelled at for not being ok so where's the problem here?

I'm fucking human too. I don't deserve to be here sitting before you all just playing different fucking roles to please each and every one of you. Absorb your depression and suffer through it at night. Having to promise i'm ok or i'll be ok when i clearly know i'm not and i won't be but i can't tell them because it'll all get worse!

Like the internet, different masks for different people with different problems in different severities and i sit here playing a role until they've stolen my happiness and i'm once again an empty shell just playing a role…

Meanwhile i can't find myself because every day i'm a different person because they love every single other person but me...the real me...

I give it all. Freedom, time, happiness, joy, care, love, and more. I give away my trust. All of it. Instead of taking it as a sign of honor and respect, it's abused. Taken advantage of. Sure sometimes i ask and sure it's interesting but i'm just here sitting back and listening to you ramble over and over about the past instead of moving on. I sit back and listen to and watch you praise others that haven't done much to change you…

Basically i'm used. I'm used in the sense that i'm a giver and they just take over and over. I'm turned to when in need of something. Motivation, sessions, venting, etc and yes i'm always there because i love to help people. But to a certain extent. I can't be the only giver and not expected to be tired out…

My mask is my home and i let this out to you…

I let this out to you, i vent to you, my mask, because no one else would listen like you do. No one else will care like you do. No one else will take care of me, rescue me, make me feel comfortable like you do, my mask. You made me comfortable with the void and i love it, because there's not a day i don't visit…

I deserve to be treated like i treat you…

I deserve to feel…

I deserve to desire…

I'm fucking human, not a robot…