My Mask: Unveiled

Progress

I'm a man of progress. Whenever i start something and dedicate my time and sacrifice for something, i like to see progress. I want to get things done. I'm a doer. A man of action if you will.

I don't like waking up for school every day because i know it's all going to be theory and the two subjects i love the most are gym and carpentry practice because i get to move and do something. I want to practice what i've learned.

In a relationship is no different. I find it wrong that i'm a secret and i find it wrong that you lie to your parents about me. I want to step up to your parents and make it right. I've done nothing wrong yet i am punished.

I've sacrificed a lot, too much in fact for me to go through this. I'm sorry, i love you very much but some factors are disturbing me from doing so. Part of me really wants to let go but i want to stick to my promise because i'm a man of my word.

I don't like to hurt people but sometimes reality is just reality. We either crumble under fear and injustice or we can find our voices, stand up against it no matter the cost and make a difference. That's what i always did. That's what i always do.

I help people no  matter what, no matter when, no matter why, i'm here for everyone. I sacrifice a lot of me for others and it leaves me void and empty. I slip away to take care of people, give up on myself and my problems to save others. Meanwhile i'm told "later" and here i am still waiting…

Just like homework i guess haha. "I'll do it later." Go to school the next day without your homework even touched.

Point is that i feel neglected and alone even though i'm not. I'm an asshole for not being ok but the best person ever for giving myself, my happiness, my energy, my care, my love, my dedication away.

Used like a tea bag, extracted and disposed of. What's inside me is wanted but i'm not. The real me isn't. I feel not worth it…

I want to make it right but i'm held back, pinned to the wall, chained just out of reach of my goals, forced to watch them fade away.

I want to take a leap and do the right thing but it's pushed back, meanwhile i'm making big promises and taking more and more from me to give away. Neglect and forget what i said earlier. So afraid that i give raindrops while i hold back a storm.

The raindrops are understood, adressed, reassured and disposed of. Forgotten. Dried up in the sun with no evidence of there ever being rain. Everything forgotten and left behind.

Sometimes i know i would end up being pushed away or forgotten anyway so i let the storm out. Other times it feels so irrelevant to even have a storm so i let out the sunshine instead. For others to be happy. Meanwhile lightning strikes and thunder cracks inside me, fighting against itself questioning it's worth, and slowly fading away…

Sometimes it feels irrelevant to even have that part of me so i guess it's better off forgotten. I'm gonna change and make myself a better different person. I'll replace the storm with something else. Maybe then it won't have to be a problem anymore.

I know i write deep and in code because i know nobody likes the decoded version yet nobody will understand nor care to understand the coded version, therefore i replace it with a fairytale, poetry, a deep story for you, the reader, to enjoy.

Sometimes i just have to let it burn. Feel the embers graze the surface of my heart while i ignore the pain to keep a smile on to entertain the audience. I physically can't cry anymore because i've killed that side of me. Instead i remain void and empty.

I want and i need. However, i realise now that this too is irrelevant. Therefore shutting it all down and serving remains my only option. Forget myself to do good for others and at the end of the day with my pain, trauma emptiness, it is i who am here for myself.

My ways are questionable but i guess it works…

I didn't have anyone or anything to worry about before. I was void and empty and my emotions were invalid. However i was doing just great. I didn't have to feel before. Now that i do, there's pain, sadness, anger, fear and overwhelming desire.

Figures…

I try my hardest to not fall out of love but some things keep pushing me near the edge secured by the barriers of my promises. Reality is hard and some people don't get that or choose to neglect it.

I have to be strong for them all yet i constantly fall with nobody to call, feeling irrelevant and small, used like a doll and disposed like an old one.

Welcome to my trauma…

Been silenced for years till i grew up silencing myself thinking that it's better that way. It's better when my voice is irrelevant because every time i try to take a step forward to be heard, i'm shut down. Why not avoid that and shut up from the beginning?

Helping others without expecting because it's "the right thing to do." Leading to me looking for more baggage for me to carry, more people to help meanwhile i'm stuck in a corner not able to leave because i'm the one keeping myself back.

Constantly told that i'm lazy and i do nothing leading to me thinking and feeling worthless when i don't accomplish a goal. Feeling empty and void of the joy i was supposed to feel at the end of said goal.

That's why i fight to be heard and be known because it's the right thing and i don't deserve to be silenced. I'm told "soon" but what if "soon" becomes too late? What if i would've already given up at that point? What if i decided that it would be the last time i'm found? What if i decided that trying would be irrelevant?

See the longer i wait to go for it, the worse it would get. I won't be able to be there when i'm needed. I won't be able to save you because anger will become the blinding darkness to flush me out completely? No space to listen nor to care anymore.

One time, two times, three times, four times, still fine but still underground. A fifth time will not be the same and there will be terrible consequences.

Consequences that i can not help with this time and reality will be forced upon us and we will not be able to do anything about it.

It's a hard pill to swallow, yes. However it's hard to live with a mind that plays multiple outcomes of a situation at once and the negative ones are screaming out louder than the rest. It's hard to see the future. It's hard to predict things because they're always neglected yet they always end up happening.

I love you so much and you're my soulmate and these are things i wish to not let out because of fear and because of irrelevance. You're the person that chose me and i will chose you now and will always choose you too because you're the person that i've been looking for all my life and here you are, all mine. I can't wait to open new chapters with you darling. I love you so much love and i'm not leaving.