My Mask: Unveiled

My Trauma.

I have trauma as everyone else, or assumingly everyone else.

I was raised by a great father and mother for the record. It's my own actions that caused these situations.

I was raised in a way to make me stronger, and it worked, yet it affected me at the same time. I was yelled at, beat, silenced and sometimes degraded to the point where now i speak in a low tone and people constantly have to ask me to speak up. I'm afraid of confrontation so i sometimes refuse to ask what someone said for a third time. I feel like i always have to make others happy without worrying with myself. I feel like i don't deserve anything. I always end up feeling used. Every time i hear screaming, i remember being curled up in a ball, faced by the belt and angry eyes of my father, begging for mercy but was threatened to be silenced. I wanted to run away but had nowhere to go, my mind infested by multiple thoughts and curses at once. Prayers wouldn't save me and nor could i. I hit myself, hurt myself to the point where i got used to the pain. Got mad at myself and became my own enemy. i was always disappointed in myself and told myself constantly that i no longer had a home. I did nothing but fuck up. The real me would always hurt people or disappoint people or hurt people. I despised myself so much to the point where i became a suicidal seven year old. I wanted to disappear, constantly wished i was dead, told my very own parents that the world would be a better place without me. I told my very own parents that i didn't deserve anything because that's how i felt. It wasn't them, it was me. They didn't make me feel this way, i became that way on my own. i feel like i'm responsible for everything and feel like my points, my opinions, my voice never matters. i stay silent most of the time because i know if i speak up, it doesn't have any value unless i'm making someone happy. my happiness doesn't matter. it never really did. i'm a failure to myself and i can hardly forgive myself for mistakes i've made. i wanted to die ever since i was 7 and nobody cared, they called it stupid. i never knew what it was that i felt but i felt it. self hate, self harm, self punishment. mental damage. ever since i got into acting, i never truly was myself. i realised that there was a way that i no longer had to live as a pathetic good for nothing bastard. i could be someone everyone liked. from thirteen, i wore a mask. i blended in to each circle so that people could be happy.it wasn't me anymore, but people finally noticed and loved this character. at least that's what i thought. each time i would introduce a little of myself, i would instantly fuck up. nobody would like it, i would make people uncomfortable or become the joke. i laugh with them but it all comes back at night and i can't sleep. i laid awake for countless nights to the point where it's natural to go to sleep at 1 to 3 am. 4 to 5 hours of sleep daily became a normal thing to me. i started to live for people and still unconciously do. i lost myself along the way and i don't really know who i am anymore. people don't really seem to care anyway. if i mention my pain, i hurt others, i fuck up and i need to fix it by swallowing my pain,boxing it up with the rest to take care of the problem. i put my head down and get stepped on, yet once i put my head up, i'm feared or hated. behind this caring, loving and beautiful soul and smile, lays something nobody knows because nobody took the time to care or to listen and nobody is strong enough to listen and accept my pain. nobody's strong enough to be there for me. believe me, i try, but i'm shut down every single time. Yes, i'm loved, but sometimes it seems like i can't be human. i give away a lot of myself only to end up used up. it's worth it sometimes, but sometimes it's too much. yet i bet these very words are gonna affect some of you who aren't strong enough to accept my feelings. but it's ok, i'm fine. it doesn't matter anymore. i'll be good :)

i love you guys so much <3