My Mask: Unveiled

Things that shouldn't be said

ANGER:

There's so much i'm forced to keep in because i'm worried about one person. I can't speak my mind but it's ok, i'm used to it.
I can't express myself but it's fine, i'm used to it.
I can't be down so i have to force on a lie just to keep you happy otherwise you'll cry but it's alright. I'm used to it.

I fuck up everything and i'm changing myself for you and you don't care because it benefits you doesn't it? I accept my failures and walk away from them mentally tormenting myself because there's so much i want to say or do but i'm held back in so many ways.

You know it fucking hurts to take care of someone while you're already going through your own shit. Take care of them but then get shut down in different ways if you open up, yay variation!

You want me to always be ok. You say it's ok to not be ok. I mean it, but you don't because the second i show signs of slight discomfort or being not okay, i'm questioned and then you cry and/or get mad at me so now i'm forced to shut up before i make it worse and take care of you instead.

Acting is always my solution, to sarcastically pretend that everything is ok for your sake. I pretend everything is A-OK. I sacrifice a lot for you. I take from my sleep, my time, my patience, my heart.

You want me to fucking change then fine, i'll change. You know what? I'll give you what you fucking want. It's never good enough. You keep lying to yourself that everyone makes mistakes but now i feel like making mistakes is a mistake and feeling is a mistake and my feelings don't fucking matter anymore because you even fail to realise the sarcasm when i say that i'm killing that side of me. You don't care about my feelings you just want and expect me to always be happy so i can take care of you.

Sometimes you don't realise it but you're selfish. You make me help you, you ignore when i need help. I watch you abuse your freedom and keep smiling. I shut myself down for you to feel better. I keep my feelings and my damage hidden away so that you can be happy because you can't even pretend to be strong enough to handle me.

I sacrifice too much to end up lacking later. I regret a lot. I'm forced to change, make false promises, shove myself in situations that i'm not ready for.

All this and my name is unknown. I'm a secret. Hidden from reality. I show you off while you don't make an effort. I lie but you don't care about the truth. I give you advice and options on how to fix things yet you prefer to push me back.

SADNESS:

It fucking hurts that i can't cry. I physically can't fucking cry but even if i could i bet i wouldn't be able to because oopsie i'm making someone else sad and mad at me. Yay equality!

I've held too much back and i hate it. I hate that i never get to fucking let something out and get better. I can't get better because i'm fucking scarred. I'm mentally scarred and the saddest part is not that i am mentally scarred, but it's that i did this to myself because of others. To please others. Now that's all i know. Put myself last to please others, i'm a fucking slave to society. I fight my own demons and i fight yours too while you sit back, watch and use my smile.

I've always been shut down everytime i gave an opinion or spoke my mind and now i can barely talk anymore. I'm shy and i hold it all back because i'm mentally fucked up and nobody sees that or nobody wants to see it. I'm always interrupted when going deep into thought because nobody's really interested in what's on my mind. You only want to hear me promise and say that i'm ok. So guess what buckaroo? I'm fucking A-OK!

Promises, giving, sharing etc. All i live for. Giving false promises, always making 200 others happy meanwhile 5 of them even give a shit about my problems. Walk away, don't have time, forget, shut me down, silence me, interrupt me. Just keep ignoring the clear fact that i'm FUCKING HUMAN.

Update: I woke up late, showered late, everything was out of place and i'm stressed as fuck and not ok in any way and i feel like soon i'm not gonna be faking if anymore and there will be lots of tears but i don't give a fuck anymore because the more i keep in, the more i question and the more i regret. You get to be mean and hurt me over and over and i have to take it and pretend i'm ok. But the slightest show of sarcasm and not okayness shows that i'm being mean or that i have to be nice. Fuck!

I feel used and fucking manipulated because i take all your load but if i do shit about it then you'll cry or be mad at me. Well it's you who made me fucking feel again and you were happy, so accept this fucking side of me too. I keep hiding too much shit and instead of working through it together, you prefer to silence me because you're vulnerable. Aren't we all? I deserve support too because if this keeps building up then the results won't be pretty.

SARCASM:

Welp, it's time for school so more fucking acting yay! Hooray equality am i right? I matter too? Haha wrong again yay! I'm just a doll constantly played with, given all the dark secrets and then dumped back in the box. Welp, you don't like my feelings apparently so back to numbness! Back to the void yippie! Nobody cares right? As long as i smile? As long as i say "i'm ok, i promise"? as long as i give false promises as always because i'm forced to. You ask if i'm okay and immediately follow with "please be okay" and seriously what the fuck? You mean i have to be happy at all times or else you won't be? Fucking hell welcome to the real world goddamnit.

I take so much, too much in and i let you vent and attack me and say the things you shouldn't but i can't even be a little stressed without you getting fucked up and that's fucked up. You can't deal with numb me when i choose to kill my feelings. You can't deal with sarcastic me because i'm mean. You can't deal with not okay me because i only get to be happy and ok because i was built and programmed that way apparently hooray! Yippie dippie!

Oh! And no breakfast! Yay! A banana and two cookies but i have gym today so will that help? Nope! Heavy bag? Yes sir! All cuz i stayed up for you. I was sarcastic but you wanted me to because you didn't care for my wellbeing like i do for yours. Am i sorry that I fell asleep? Nah not really.

PROGRESS:

Update! I'm somewhat feeling better because i wore a mask but i feel slightly better because i can make jokes n shit yay! Sorry not sorry but that's how i feel. However i still love you because there is really no one else out there like you so i gotta suck it up and get going. Cuz that's life apparently. No, my life…

Update again! I'm feeling better and less hateful. I may feel a little depressed still or maybe numb cuz ya. I'm sorry not sorry but if i can't let it out one way, i'll have to do it another way.

Regardless of all, i still love you. It frustrates me how i'm forced to keep it all contained but i love you. I love you because you try, not hard enough but you do. You care, sometimes you don't show it but you do, i know it. We love each other, but it's hard from our distance. Distance makes things harder to handle because we can't solve things with a sit-down or a hug or a kiss. It's nearly pointless. We can't properly take care of each other and i get that. But i make you happy always and i want to be happy with you too. I don't want to fall out of love with you. I don't want to slowly forget about you. I don't want to treat you like he did. I don't want to further break you. I don't want to kill you.

I saved your life, i don't want to end it. I'll never be able to live the same again knowing that your life was once in my hands and i dropped it. The reality is that it's going to get really hard to spend time with each other and missing each other is going to make it harder. We need to be able to survive. Our emotions can't get the best of us because we both have our separate lives to live. We have school to finish and possibly jobs to do which means we'll be busy and we're gonna have to be able to deal with that.

Forevers and nevers can't be promised because we don't live forever. One of us or both of us have to go at some point in time and when that happens, the other has to remain strong. Shit happens in life and we have to be ready for it all and that's just the cold truth about life. Some people prefer not to hear it but it's worth sharing. So just listen, because listening helps. Acceptance makes it easier.

So i'll stay strong. I just need to let things out sometimes.

I'm ok now…