A Spaceman

Chapter 6--Someday

So I made a chart for this. That's totally a my-dad-thing to do but I'm ignoring that for right now.

I'm nine weeks gone. Thirty one weeks till the baby makes its appearance. But I only have eight more weeks that I can reliably hide the pregnancy from the Academy. That's really not a lot of time, less if I start showing a bit early, which in all likelihood I will since I'm small and slight to begin with, so being with child will be more obvious on my figure as well as in my uniforms. And I cannot, cannot have rumors started or anyone suspect.

I have a couple of options as I see them for life. For both of us. Now that this baby is apparently in existence and I am keeping it. I am keeping it. I did think about not, in fact, for the first few weeks of knowing, I figured I would just go have it gotten rid of. Then something changed. I think I love it. and I want to find out. I want to find out if I do love it. And I'm so afraid. I'm terrified that if I did get rid of it, then I'd never have anything else love me again.

So back to my options.

One: tell my dad. he will be, mildly pleased, completely calm, and have a complete plan for what to do within five minutes of finding out. He will come here and hug me especially if I cry. he will tell me I can stay at our flat and have the baby. And go back to school if I like once it's a little bigger to be minded by someone else. and he'll be over all completely happy and okay with the situation. Which makes him sound awesome but don't give him that he doesn't deserve it.

Two: tell my mom. I looked on the website. I'm sixteen I can. I told my dad I didn't care because he's possessive and I know he'd hate me meeting her. SoI looked on the website. There was updated contact information, as well as an apparently genuine, extremely emotional message begging me to contact her because she loves me and has been dying to meet me. So she's either crazy and trying to lure me to kill me or something. Or she genuinely cares. In which case if I go to her with this---situation—she may at least give me and the baby somewhere to stay for a little while while I get a job and on my feet.

Three: tell no one. Yeah no not forever I'm aware that wouldn't work long term. But tell no one I know. Go to the crisis center and claim I was raped (I was not), they will remove me from the Academy, fabricate a death certificate, and give me a new name as well as assistance in setting up a life for me and my child.

Reasons not to go with option 1: my father and I are demented sick, lonely, possessive people. And I really want my child to be better than that. I want it safe and away from our peculiar insanity. So I'm not doing option one. as tempting as it is. No.

Reasons not to go with option 2: my dad will immediately assume I'm not dead and literally the first place he will look is at my mother's. He can get her information if he doesn't have it already. And there would be hell to pay if I lied to him like that.

Reasons not to go with option 3: None it's what I'm going with.

I sigh, lying back on my bed. I didn't go to classes at all today they'll send somebody around. but I'm tired and feel rotten. According to what I've read I'll feel better in a month. But I don't know if I'll have a month.

Remember what I said about being small and therefore showing sooner? Yeah, well independent of the baby's actual bulk, a lot of other things can contribute to the oh so recognizable bump, during pregnancy a woman's blood volume increases by 50%, as well as a myriad of gastrointestinal irritations from the uterus pressing on things and hormones aggravating some major organs. All that is to say for the past week I have been completely unable to button any of my pants and am noticeably chunky around the middle when I was extremely slim before. I am aware it's not due to my uterus, which while twice its size is still fairly small, but instead due to bloating and swelling from all the other things going on in my body that are apparently necessary to make my child. I know I'm not off on my timing or anything like that. I was sincerely hoping that I would be able to conceal it much longer than---basically this.