I don't know what my dad was expecting when he picked me up from the session thirty minutes later, but my complete silence obviously isn't it. He asks me questions about how it went that I give vague, one word reply's to. When we get home I get in the shower then continue my Grey Anatomy marathon. Only now I had thoughts, very very bad thoughts, running through my head about some of the things Karen said during the session.
For one, I realized that I could've kept the baby and that it would've fit into my plans. This wasn't the first time I've thought this, mind you, but it's the first time that I actually focused on it and really planned it out. If I did get into NYSA I could've just took a year off and started in 2020 so that I had enough time to have the baby and get my body and life right afterwards. Elijah already had plans to move to New York after graduation so I could've moved in with him. That would've made it easiest to go to classes in the morning and be with my baby at night.
It was possible for me to be a mom and chase my dreams right now and recognizing that almost thawed my frozen emotions. Knowing and understanding all of this right now meant that I got that abortion for nothing.
I ruined my life for nothing.
Being a young mom would've made some things harder and others seemingly impossible, but I coulda did it.
Thinking about how much of a mistake the abortion was only leads to me thinking about all the other things that I've done in this past month that have been big and major mistakes.
The smoking, the drinking, the partying, all of it, have been humongous fuck ups that I can't take back.
Suddenly Grey Anatomy didn't seem so appealing and with a heavy sigh I turn off the tv, lie down facing my picture wall, and stare.
I don't know how long I lay there doing absolutely nothing, but eventually my door was opening letting in a slither of light before it was closing again. The smell of steak and potatoes reaches my nose followed by something very familiar.
I know it was him sitting down on my bed before he even talks. "I know that you probably don't want me here," he quietly says, his voice kinda uncertain. It pulls at something in my chest that makes it beat just a little bit quicker. "but I miss you. We all miss you Jae." A large hot hand was suddenly resting on my shoulder. "Talk to me."
I can't. A part of me wanted to open my mouth and tell him all my troubles so he can make them go away but another part of me was too stubborn to. That part understood that if I started taking eventually I'd start crying and I really didn't want to cry.
When I don't say anything after a couple minutes he sighs and runs his hand slowly down my arm. "Don't talk then, that's fine. I'm not just gonna sit here like before though."
For the past couple days Elijah's been coming and sitting here with me for at least an hour. Sometimes he tried to talk, sometimes he didn't. I tried to tell myself that I didn't care about his little visits but it wasn't the truth.
He moves his arm back up, his thumb now lightly circling my bare shoulder. "I don't think I ever told you this, but I wanna marry you one day, Jae. Not now, or even next year but one day I want to to be my wife. I think...I think you'll be a perfect wife. And I want you to have my kids when your ready for them." His hand leaves my shoulder to brush a lock of hair from my cheek behind my ear.
"I know that your hurting right now but I just wanted you to know that because it means I'm always gonna be here for you, baby. It don't matter if we're fighting, or broken up, or not even talking. I'm here for you, Jaelynn. Your my best friend." His voice gets lower, softer and his mouth was right by my ear when he declares; "I love you, so fucking much, don't forget that."
I don't know if it was the fact that he said he wanted to marry me one day or that he was once again saying he loved me, but something snaps. When he starts to get up I panic and hastily grab his wrist. He pauses at the contact- mostly because this was the first time I've moved in all the times he's come over I think. "Will you..." my voice wasn't cold anymore. It was soft and vulnerable in a way it hasn't been in weeks. For once I'm not upset about that fact. "Will you stay and hold me? Please?"
"Of course." I wasn't sure what his facial expression was because I wasn't brave enough to turn around but he sounded very happy and relived. He slides down behind me, his arm going around my waist and pulling me to his hard chest. I snuggle into him, taking deep breaths of his scent, one of my hands intertwining with his. I feel content for the first time in weeks cuddled up with him like this.
I don't know how long we were laying in my bed when his whispered voice breaks the silence. "I've missed this. Having you in my arms feels good."
He didn't even know how much I missed this too. "My therapist says that I need to let myself feel emotions and stuff."
"Do you agree with that?"
I turn over, facing him for the first time. He was already looking down at me when my eyes find his in the dim lighting. "I think that I've spent all this time mad at you, at him, at everybody that I got numb to everything else."
"Your mom told me that they got him," he whispered after a pregnant pause. "She said they found him at a hospital because of what I did to him." Though there's anger in his eyes I can hear the smile in his voice.
I snuggle closer to him. "I know, she came and told when when she found out." Knowing that he was locked away made me feel relieved but the damage of what he did was still there. "How has your week been?"
I'm thankful that he doesn't mention my abrupt subject change and for the next five minutes I halfheartedly listen to him talk about his week. Mostly I enjoy the vibration of his voice against my check and the soothing beat of his heart. After that I make him keep talking because those vibrations really felt good.
I think that he recognizes me getting him to talk as the distraction that it is, but he doesn't bring it up or stop and I love him all the more for it. Listening to his voice slowly makes me feel better and before I know it I was feeling all of my now completely thawed emotions.
Some of them are good; like the warmth from his arms still around me, and the fact that I really was geeked out over this boy. But the blissful emotions gradually fade away to be replaced by the darker, depression inducing ones and somewhere in the middle of Elijah telling me about one of his new songs tears start leaking from my eyes. I don't even realize they're there until Elijah's wiping them away and softly saying, "Let it out baby, it's okay."
And so I cry. Big, fat tears that choke me up and has my whole body shaking. And he's here, holding me and rubbing my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
When my tear wind down after forever it's like everything is lighter and brighter. It wasn't that my depression disappeared just because I cried, but I really felt that my tears washed away all the stubbornness to get help.
I know I must look hideouts when I pull my wet face from Elijah's shirt but he smiles down at me like I'm the most beautiful thing in the whole universe. He swipes away my remaining tears with the pads of his thumbs. "You good?"
I nod, sitting up in the bed and wiping the rest of the tears from my cheeks. "Thanks." I don't say anything else.
"No problem, babygirl." Then he hugs me, tight and warm, and whispers that everything's gonna be okay and I believe him.
I believe him.
