The Void

Chapter Eight. Ease the Loneliness.

I'm broken. On some level I have known for years but life has never afforded me the time to accept this as fact and it's not the weird moment's, concussions or the voices in my head that have led me to this conclusion. It's this, right now, that numb feeling.

The depression that I pretend doesn't exist until it has its claws into me, dragging me down, pulling pleas to end my suffering from my lips. I like to pretend it's not happening, to pretend those words aren't echoing in my head on a constant loop, I could never admit it to Monica, it never seemed fair after all she has gone through.

But something about this place, these people, it has that awful truth exploding from me constantly, even when I promise myself it won't anymore. I'm being tugged between the light and the dark constantly, every time I claw myself out of it something pulls me back down and this time, I let it.

I let the disbelief consume me, until the constant ache in my chest was all that I could feel, it's not the same as it was the first time. Something changed when I woke up the next morning after crying myself to sleep, it wasn't me that changed. It was them.

The empty pit in my stomach is gnawing at my resistance with more ferocity than usual, it's been five days since Rhydian told me about the rumour, the theory, the tiny possibility that feels more like a reality. Still, the emptiness of his confession dragged me into remains, a pulling, tearing pain in my chest.

The numbness didn't take everything away this time, it left me with that throbbing reminder of why I shouldn't be here. I can try and pretend I didn't ask for this pain, but I did, I wanted answers even if that meant far-fetched theories but even without the confirmation, I can't rectify that after all this time. They think I will be the one to hurt them.

A part of me gets it, if something like this is true then they would want to get ahead of it before something awful happens. Maybe, if it is me, if it is all real then it's a good thing we know now, because I would rather die than be the cause of so much devastation.

It's not to say I think it's true, it would have to be a pretty defective spell for it to make sense for my life but there's this voice in my head that keeps reminding me of all the abnormal things that have happened in my life. My body has always reacted to danger in a strange way. When Mum was alive and we were moving constantly, I was always ready to fight and after she died, I guess I stopped fighting.

However, not once, not even while I have been attacked, have I felt an inkling of vengeance course through my veins, and even when I have been livid at these three. I've never wanted to hurt them.

I must smell horrible, I have barely moved, a severe lack of water means I haven't been forced out of bed often. My arms ache from being constantly folded beneath my pillow, this time it isn't just Selena keeping me company and I can't decipher if it's from guilt or concern that they keep showing up.

Rhydian brings me three meals a day, trying to convince me to eat more than a few traitorous bites but I can't find the energy. The devastated look in Selena's eyes when she wraps herself around me at night tells me that Rhydian told them what I said as I left, and their care means that they aren't going to let me wither way.

What's the point in getting up again and again and again if all that follows is pain, everything in between is so overwhelming that it doesn't feel like happiness. After Mum died, I kept telling myself that continuing on will be worth it, but I was wrong, it's not worth it for everyone.

"At least drink something" Rhydian coaxes, he's crouched down beside the bed, disturbing my unchanging view of the wall. I let my eyes drift close at the pleasurable hum that skates across my skin as he brushes the matted blonde strands away from my cheek. "Evelyn, please"