The Void

Chapter Fifteen. Everything Always Hurts.

I think I'm having a sex dream before reality materialises with a sudden lurch around me, the sound of glass shattering ricochets throughout the room, an echoes sound from the bathroom that I makes my whole-body flinch. Kyle's arms are around me, discarding his book onto the blanket and Selena is crawling across the mattress to me before the last of the sound dissipates.

So much for a peaceful nap, my head is hazy and pounding from the abrupt awakening, someone's turned the exposure up on life and I can't blink the brightness away. Every breath I take is ragged, breaths catching and fingers tingling, somewhere in the recesses of my mind there's a steady stream of whispered hisses that I can't make out.

"What the fuck was that?" Kyle groans, letting Selena's hands smooth down my arms as he pulls away, my head dropping back against the headboard. It feels as though my body is floating away, my mind a hyperaware mess of sensations.

"Do you know what caused that?" Selena murmurs, lips pressed to my hairline, as the bed undulates under Kyle's body as he joins us. Clearly, I was not having a sex dream, "You didn't seem distressed when you were sleeping"

"I don't know" I whisper, fisting my hands around the comforter to stop them from shaking, "I thought I was having a good dream, but I feel wrong now, was that me?"

"It was just the vase on the bathroom counter, and a small crack in the mirror, nothing important or irreparable" Kyle explains, his voice just as soft as Sel's.

"What's happening to me?" I croak, voice cracking as panic swarms through my veins, swelling against my attempt to press it down. "I've never done that before, was that magic? God, what if I actually hurt one of you and can't stop myself, I don't want too, I swear I don't, please believe me!"

"Okay, okay, let's take a deep breath" Kyle coaxes, but this voice loses the soft edge, deep ocean eyes hold my gaze as I force oxygen into my lungs. "You aren't going to hurt us baby, we promise"

Selena's thumb swipes the first tear that escapes down my cheek, this is the other shoe dropping. "Anything can trigger it, we know that much and the more aware you become of the Spirit, the more potent it becomes. Your fine Evelyn, your safe, we know who you are, and we trust you, it's okay"

Hysteria has my tears falling in earnest now, a sob of anguish working its way up my throat. "What if you aren't safe though? We can't know anything for sure and I'm so scared of hurting you, I want us to stay like this, I don't want it to be ruined!"

Selena's lips press a soft kiss against my hairline, "If you don't want to hurt us, then you won't"

"I'm going to get Rhydian, okay?" Kyle decides, squeezing my wrist once more.

I nod, swiping at the tears staining my cheeks as he kisses my temple before disappearing from the room in a quick blur. "Why did it have to be me?" I ask, the unanswerable question tumbling from my lips.

"Because without it, you wouldn't have met us and none of us would be an ounce happier than we were before. There are negatives and positives in every situation and I know the negatives here are really scary, but you aren't alone, we will get through this together and we will be okay"

"I want to believe that" I sniffle, swiping harshly at my cheeks, so sick of this endless cycle of feeling happy and then crying. Feeling the surge of emotion every time those whispers, I have learnt to block out, begin to get louder, it's exhausting.

No matter what happened, I was so eager to accept what was happening inside of me all to feel settled and calm here, to keep doing what I was doing and cling to the good days I was so desperate to have. That I never let the gravity of the risks set in, I was so focused on keeping this new version of my life safe, that I didn't acknowledge that maybe exterminating me was the best choice.