The Void

Chapter Nine. Past and Pleasure.

'... the interior of a small wooden room is the first thing I become aware of, blue walls that are worn and fading, backdrop the circular wooden table. The poor table leans awkwardly to the left, but the four women sitting around the small space, with worryingly small portions of food snag my attention. Their clothes are tattered, dirty around the ankles of their long dresses, the older woman's sleeves are ripped up to her elbow; tied together in an attempt to make it purposeful.

I've had dreams like this before, I think Monica used to call them lucid dreams, but are they supposed to be this tangible? I can hear the faint sound of hooves clopping along the road outside, the bustle of the street below feels like it's right on top of us.

Letting my eyes run over the women around the table, I feel my heart stutter in my chest when I recognise the sad woman sitting to the right. Selena. My dreams have always been about the people around me, but the sad and irritated look in her dark eyes doesn't disappear no matter how much I beg it too. They only darken more as she keeps her focus on the morsel of food in front of her, she pushes up from the table with her plate before I can smooth the frown from her skin.

"Wasn't Father supposed to be home with more food an hour ago?" She asks, eyes pinned on the old, stressed looking woman who can only be her mother. Black hair, speckled with grey that shouldn't be there so early, dark circles line her eyes.

"Yes Hunny, the streets are busy so he must be still working, you know how London is in the afternoon. The paperman on the corner told me that the 1760's will be the decade of business, your Father needs that hope, even if the wages dwindle. He will return, you mustn't cause such a fuss every night" The woman placates but there's something had in her eyes, her rusted fork scrapping along the empty plate.

"I am only worried, I am well aware of why Father is working so hard, that you believe I have doomed the family" Selena states, it's strange to see her this way, dark hair curling down her back and smudged with grime rather than pristine. "But I will not marry a man I do not love, no matter what he promised the family"

"If your sisters were older, they would have" Her mother replies, voice hard but hollow sadness still clinging to her eyes. "The family would be more important than those fanciful ideas of love"

"But I am not them, Mother! I know we are struggling because of my decision but I couldn't do it and I won't apologise for not being okay with giving up my chance at finding what you found with Father"

Cold dark eyes meet her daughters' blazing ones, "Life isn't fair Selena, I thought our life together would be the opposite of what it has become. You should have been grateful for the opportunity to elevate our family out of this struggle"

"Is it so wrong to not want to be some rich man's property?"

"Yes" She deadpans, "The sooner you accept reality and find yourself a husband the more food that will be on your plate. I will not marry off your sisters until they are of age, so our livelihood remains on your shoulders, retract your rejection from Mr. Varnan before it is too late"

I desperately want to reach out and pull her into my arms, I can't imagine the pain roaring in her chest, the desire to find more in a time where doing so is almost impossible. "I cannot"

A dream has never caused me so much pain before, I press my hand to the centre of my chest, desperate to ease the thrumming pressure.

"Fine" His mother sighs, looking away from Selena and focusing on the two young girls slouched in their chairs, dark hair curling around their waists, plates so clean that it doesn't look like food ever graced them. "There's a couple of pence in the chair, go and get something additional, but don't be long. It's getting dark and I can't have my only eligible daughter run off by horses or young men"