n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night-an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming and shapeless future-that circles high overhead during the day, that pecks at the back of your mind while you try to sleep, that you can s...
i didn't leave because i stopped loving you i left because the longer i stayed the less i loved myself -rupi kaur
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i pressed myself against the kitchen table chair, looking at kei before moving my eyes elsewhere. how was i supposed to look him in the eyes? how was i supposed to tell him? this was hard enough in itself, but dear god was i struggling just thinking about it.
"kei," i softly say, my fingers gripping the table harshly. i'm scared and nervous, and utterly petrified. how was i supposed to do this?
"hmm?" he responds, looking up from his school work towards me, and i can make eye contact. i can't feel this guilt. this underlying feeling of pain and doubt.
"i don't think i can do this anymore," i respond, looking upwards in hopes of trying to calm the storm of tears that want to fall down my face.
"what do you mean? the questions easy?" he responds, looking over at my work book, sighing.
"no not that." i briefly sigh, closing my book gently. "us, kei. i can't do us anymore."
"why?" he's quick to be abrupt, not taking the bullshit i was giving him.
"when we split off to college it'll be long distance. you and i both know how long distance works." i rely, once again keeping my eyes on something other then him.
"we're both first years, what do you mean?" kei asks hesitantly, before letting go of his mechanical pencil. "look me in the eyes and say it. look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want this."
"kei," i start, moving my eyes up to his. and i can't breathe. i cant do this. i love kei so much. everything about him i want to keep in my life so bad. why did i do this? why am i here? "i- i want to-" i pause, and i know this'll be it for us. i'll never say hi to him in the halls, i'll never get to cuddle him while we fall asleep to a horror movie. this is it. "i cant do this."
and i get up, ready to run away. because at the last second i can't commit. i can't risk my own happiness for kei's. the littlest bit of me knows that for me to be happy, kei might not be. so i run, but he grabs my hand, and he pulls me into a hug. it's so tight, so warm. why did i want to leave? why did i ever want to let go of this?
"what's wrong?" he asks softly, whispering the words into my ear. i want to cry, but i pull myself together.
"i heard from some guys that i wasn't enough for you. that you were just dating me for some self righteous purpose. that i was a charity case to you." and that's it, i'm sobbing into his school blazer. he's running his fingers through my hair, soothing me.
"they're wrong," he whispers, leaning towards me to press a kiss to my lips. it's short, but it's passion and love and icky sticky hope and i know that this isn't just some charity case. that i'm not some charity case. "i love you."
