n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night-an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming and shapeless future-that circles high overhead during the day, that pecks at the back of your mind while you try to sleep, that you can s...
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this was it. the point in our relationship where i realized that i couldn't go back. as much as i loved tadashi this was my moment to shine.
i had been invited to an over seas college all the way in america. this was my chance to give it my all, and i was going to do it with or without tadashi.
i hated long distance. i knew the doubt and uncertainty that crawled in, and i wasn't ready for that. i wasn't ready to reassure anybody else, either. so when i broke the news to tadashi, i couldn't help but want to cry.
"tadashi," i say half heartedly, facing down to look at him. why were eyes so hard to look at?
"what's up?" he responds, that sweet goofy grin on his lips and god did i want to kiss him. i had to be strong, i couldn't lose to my desires.
"i got invited to a college over seas, and i said yes." i relay, my face scrunched up, holding my tears in. why was this so hard?
"that's great news!" he congratulates me, a soft spoken smile on his lips. dear god why did i want to cry? why was everything in this moment telling me to let it out? this was emotionally exhausting- it was pain and ever lasting hurt.
"tadashi," i hesitate, i hesitate and i really shouldn't have. in that moment tadashi is all i've ever wanted. he's beautiful, he's sweet, and his soft green hair, i was going to miss that hair. "i can't do long distance- not with you."
and he's hurt. he's so so hurt. i can tell from the way his eyes close, from the way he's wiping under his eyes. he's ready to cry but please don't let him. i cant handle tears, i can't handle crying. i can't cry too, i can't do this. why did i ever want to do this?
"can we at least try? we can make things work?" and he's hoping, he's begging for me to stay. for me to love him. and i do, i love him so so much, but this is my moment. i had to say goodbye.
"you know how long distance is tadashi, you know how i feel about it." i smile, i smile through the tears but it hurts so bad. i can feel my heart ripping apart and oh no what was i doing? "i love you tadashi, so so much, but this is my moment."
"please, stay." how did i ever want to leave? to fall behind and to give up tadashi's happiness for my own. but this was my moment, and we would move on, no matter the circumstances.
so i do want i know best. i do what i know will make him quiet. one minute, we're standing, hormonal teens with nothing but tears in our eyes. and the next, we're kissing. and its perfect. i can't ask anything for anything more. i was going to miss this so so much, i was going to miss the sweet taste of tadashi's lips. how was i ever going to leave?
