I Promise.

When the time is right.

10/13/2001

Mom's gotten really sick lately. I'm scared that the doctors are right and I'm going to lose her. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose her. I've already lost Dad, I don't know what I would do if I lost her too, and quite frankly, I don't want to find out. Today she asked to talk to Bucky. I asked him about it but he wouldn't give me a clear answer. All he would say was:

"I'll tell you when the time is right, Stevie."

When will the time be right? My mom is the one that's sick, not him. I shouldn't be so frustrated, but I just want to know what she told him. I feel like I have a right to know what my dying mother told my best friend. I don't understand why they have to keep it from me. Buck never keeps anything from me, unless it's important to him. But this time, it's important to me.

I closed the book and set it down on my mom's nightstand. She was asleep, so I let the tears stream down my face. I can't lose her.

10/14/2001

She's not getting better. I'm scared. Everyone's acting like she's dead, she isn't dead. She isn't dead. She isn't dead. Dear god I wish they would listen to me. She won't die. I swear she won't die. She can't die. Bucky won't listen to me. I swear she can get better. I swear. I swear. I kicked him out of the apartment. We've never argued so bad. God I can't think. She won't stop coughing. Is this what I sound like when I have asthma attacks? I can't take it anymore. The blood in the sink. The blood in the toilet. The blood in her hands. The blood. It's driving me insane. I clean and I clean and it won't go away. It keeps coming back. God I need my medicine. I need anything. I want this to stop. I want to stop listening to her suffer. It hurts my head. It hurts my heart. It hurts Bucky. I yell at him constantly. He doesn't deserve that. I don't deserve him.

10/15/2001

It hurts. Dear god it hurts. Why did you leave me? I'm all alone. I'm just glad you are finally at peace. You deserve the peace. You couldn't keep coughing. I couldn't keep listening to you cough. You needed to get out. You needed to see dad. I'll be okay, I think. I have Bucky. I'll be living with them for the rest of school. I think I'll make it. I mean, it can't really get worse than this. You know ma, I drew you. I drew you in your youth. When you were happy. When you weren't sick. I miss those times. I miss you. God it hasn't even been a day yet. I'm miserable. When will you come home? I just pray to god you are at peace. That's all you deserve. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.

10/21/2001

The funeral went well. She would've been pleased by it. She looked beautiful. I've finally officially moved into the Barnes' apartment. It's really nice. It's only slightly bigger than mine, which is actually enjoyable. I'm sharing a room with Bucky. I tried to live in the guest bedroom at first, but I hated being alone. I feel like if it was anyone else I would've hated it, but it's him. He's been really helpful through this. I'm glad that I have him. And I'm really glad he can't see this journal. It's just nice to appreciate him and not say it to his face. He's not a very touchy feely person. Or at least, not to most people. He would probably kill Clint if he tried to lay a finger on him. He'd probably spare Nat, though. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but I do know that I'm glad he's here with me. I'm just lucky to have him. Insanely lucky.

"What are you doing up? It's nearly 3 am?" Bucky said while wiping his eyes and yawning.

"I couldn't sleep, so I've resulted in just writing a bit. It calms me down." I explained.

"Are you stressed about something? You can always talk to me." Bucky responded.

"Well, these past few weeks haven't been exactly easy, but I won't keep you awake to just listen to me complain. You need to sleep, Buck." I stated.

"Promise me you will talk to me in the morning. I won't sleep if you don't promise."

I chuckled at that. It's nice having someone who cares about you so much. It makes me happy to think about.

"I promise." I smiled.

"Goodnight, Stevie. You have a big day tomorrow. Back to school."
"Goodnight, Buck." I whispered back at him.
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