I Promise.

Nickelback.

Chapter 7
                       11/07/2001
Nothing too eventful has happened these past two days. I haven't really brought up the whole kissing thing to Bucky. It's kind of all gone back to normal. And by normal I mean, me pining over him and him having no idea. It's Wednesday night and I'm absolutely pissing myself over the fact that I'm going to ask him on a date on Friday. Pepper and I have planned it all out. I'm going to ask him to come with me to the art museum. He's always been interested in going, but we've never had the money. The group found out what I was planning and pitched in. It caught me off guard, but I was pleasantly surprised when I found out. I'm glad that they are supporting me. I'm more surprised that Bucky didn't find out about it. Speaking of Bucky, he's listening to "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback in the shower. I can hear him obnoxiously singing. He's actually a really good singer, it's scary really. I'd really enjoy him singing right now, if he wasn't listening to Nickelback. Hell, I'd really prefer Billie Jean right now. I honestly have no idea how he can listen to one song on repeat for so long. It would drive me insane. In fact, it does drive me insane. Everything about him drives me insane. When his hair is wet from the water, his shirtless body, his-. Okay we're gonna stop there. I think I got a bit carried away. God I really wish he would shut the fuck up right now. He stopped running the water, so now you can really hear it. I'm about to barge in there and throw the radio out of the window. Anyways, I'm trying not to reveal how stressed I am. I don't think he's noticed so far, which is great. I don't want him questioning me. I'm an awful liar. I should probably put this away. It sounds like he's about to come out the shower.
I put my journal underneath my covers and pulled out my book. Every quarter we have to read a different book. My class was assigned Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo. We have to do little annotations for it. Annotations shouldn't be so hard, considering the fact that I write in a journal. I heard the bathroom door open and the steam rush into the bedroom. It's kind of convenient having a bathroom in your bedroom. You don't have to go around the house in a towel.
  "The showers all yours." Bucky called out.
  "Alright. I'm coming." I grabbed my clothes from out of their respective drawers, and walked towards the bathroom. As I was walking into the bathroom Bucky was walking out. I'm not sure if he plans to look so handsome and flawless all the time, but it certainly kills me. He's basically the embodiment of a football God. He has the perfect body, he's insanely tall, and he's absolutely gorgeous. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door to start taking a shower. I took off my shirt and pants getting ready to take my shower, but then I realized that Bucky's radio was still in here. After he takes his shower he always does his homework and listens to his music. It's basically the only way he gets his work done. I went to put back on my shirt and pants to go back out of the bathroom so Bucky doesn't get my bony body scarred in his head, but then I thought of what Pepper said. Stop being so hard on myself. So what do I do? I unlocked the door, and walked my happy ass over to Bucky, just in my shirt and boxers. I then tossed his radio on his bed, and walked back as fast as I could to the bathroom. I feel like that was the most self conscious I've ever been. He was eyeing me up and down the whole time I was walking. He was probably staring at my bones. I look disgusting. I have zero meat on me. I'm not really sure why I hate myself this much. Tony wouldn't think of me this way. Clint wouldn't think of me this way. Hell, Bucky wouldn't think of me this way. Why do I disgust myself so much? I stared at myself in the mirror. I traced my fingers over my ribs. I then traced my hands over my waist and hips.
  "God, I'm so ugly." I blurted out. I really hope I didn't say it as loud as I thought I did. I started the shower. I put the water as hot as I can take it. I like the way the burning feels on my skin. It's really strange, but I've always been like that. I'm in the shower for about 15 minutes, and then I decided I should get out. It was getting a bit too hot. I started drying myself off with a towel, and look at myself in the mirror again. My skin is now red, my hair is damp, and I'm sweating. Bucky looks flawless in the mirror, and I just look like a malnourished ten year old. Life really is unfair. I get dressed, dry off my hair as best as I can, brush my teeth, and unlock the bathroom door. As soon as I opened the door the cold air hits my skin. Another thing hits me too. Bucky listening to his second song of the day. It's unlike him to listen to two different songs a day. This time he's listening to "Out of Touch" by Daryl Hall and John Oates, and of course he's singing along. He's not only freakishly handsome, he's also a phenomenal singer.
  "Nice shower?" Bucky asked.
  "As nice as it could be." I responded.
  "You were in there for quite a while." He was trying to get information out of me. This was him trying to snoop. He doesn't do very well with it.
   "Well, I wanted to be clean." I joked. He took a deep breath for a second. It's like he was building up the confidence to say something. Then, he finally said it.
  "You aren't ugly." He quickly said. It was like he was afraid of saying it. Afraid that I'd be angry at him.
  "Oh. You heard that?" I asked. I knew I said it too loud.
  "Faintly. You weren't too loud. Just loud enough for me to hear."
  "Ah. Well. Thank you." I half smiled. I always try to half smile to make it seem like I'm okay.
  "Seriously, Stevie. Talk to me whenever you want. I'm always here. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what." He said, staring directly at me. I could see in his eyes that he was serious. "I'm with you till the end of the line, pal." He finished. I was shocked. I really had no idea of what to say. All words left me. I was speechless.
  "I-I." I kept trying to form words, but they wouldn't come out. I really was trying my hardest.
  "I know." Bucky said. But, he doesn't know. He doesn't know how much he means to me. He doesn't know his impact on my life. He doesn't know how much I love him. He doesn't understand how much I want to be with him. Bucky and Steve. Steve and Bucky. Us against the world. I want him to know. That's what I want him to know.
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