I Promise.

Sarah.

Chapter 20
  I felt the emotions starting to come up. I immediately shoved them down. I didn't want to think about anything, I just want to get the stuff out of the apartment. I'll take what I want, and then leave what I don't. Easy enough.
  "Yeah, I guess it is time." I said. I got up, slipped on my shoes, and then went to the door. "I'll be waiting downstairs." I said. I didn't want to put too much emotion into my words. I didn't want them to hear how upset I am. I heard them rustle around upstairs. They then came downstairs and I followed them to the door. My apartment is only one block down, so we just walked. I grabbed my keys from my back pocket and unlocked the door. The air was hot. The AC seems like it hasn't been running in months, which it hasn't. Everything looked so deserted. I looked at the wall. There were pictures of my family everywhere. I felt myself tensing up. Bucky instinctively grabbed my hand. He followed me into my old room. There was the absence of the furniture in there. All of that went with me to Bucky's. I looked at the mirror still on the wall. It had pictures stuck on them. I grabbed one of them off of the wall. It was a picture of Bucky and I. We were probably 13 at the time. It was a picture of us in front of the yard. I was on Bucky's back. He was carrying me around everywhere like a backpack. I laughed at the memory.
  "You think you can still do that?" I turned to ask him.
  "Of course I can. I've only gotten larger." He smirked. I stuck the photo in my pocket. The next photo I found was everyone on New Year's Eve at Tony's house. We were probably all 14 at the time. Everyone was in the picture, except for me. I was the one who took it. Natasha and Pepper were in the middle of lighting a firework in the picture. Rhodey, Clint, and Bruce were all sitting together laughing on the outdoor couch. Wanda, Bucky, Pietro, and Loki were in the hot tub. Tony, Thor, and Sam were vaguely in the background, carrying packages of more fireworks. We all looked so much younger. I grabbed all the pictures off the wall and stuck them into my pockets. I decided to inspect the rest of the room. Bucky stood waiting for me by the door. He stood there watching me.
  I walked towards my closet and opened it. There wasn't really anything interesting there. Just old sketchbooks I didn't want. I took the sketchbooks that I wanted, I left my oldest ones here. After realizing that there was nothing good left in this room, I met Bucky by the door. He grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek. I don't think he could get any better.
  "Do you want to check your mom's room?" He asked. Of course I don't want to, but I have to.
"I suppose I have to." I offered him a small half smile. He squeezed my hand and started leading me down the hall. We stood in front of her door. It took me a good second to build up the courage to open up the door, but I eventually did.
  We walked in the room. I let go of Bucky's hand and walked toward the bed. I touched the sheets. All kinds of different memories popped into my head.
  "She died in this bed." I said to myself. I immediately let go of the sheet and backed up. She did die in this bed. She died in this room. The whole room around me was spinning. It's like my whole world was collapsing. I felt like I was about to throw up. I immediately ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I started dry heaving. Nothing was coming up, but I just felt like I was gagging. I heard Bucky exit the room to go get his mom. I couldn't stop dry heaving. My body wanted to throw up, but it couldn't. I just sat there on the ground heaving. There was suddenly a knock on the door.
  "Steve, honey, can you unlock the door?" Mrs. Barnes asked me through the other side of the door. The only response that was able to come out of my mouth was more coughing and dry heaving.
  "Stevie, we can leave. We just need you to unlock the door so we can get you." Now Bucky's voice was coming through the other end of the door. I didn't feel strong enough to stand yet, so I scooted my body across the floor and turned the lock to unlock it. I then went back to my spot sitting beneath the toilet.
  "It's unlocked." I choked out. I don't know when I started crying, but apparently it's been a while. Just with a touch to my eyes they already felt puffy. Mrs. Barnes and Bucky soon came into the bathroom.
  "Oh, baby. I'm so sorry." Mrs. Barnes said as she pulled me into her arms. I couldn't stop crying. Everything hurt. I miss my mom. Dear god I miss her so much. I wish I spent more time with her. I wish I spoke to her more. I wish she was still here.
  Mrs. Barnes slowly pulled away. She turned around to face Bucky.
  "You want a turn with him?" She asked. That made me snort a little bit.
  "Very much so." He said. He bent down so he could be eye to eye with me. He started wiping the tears from my face with his right hand. He then slowly pulled me into his chest. I think this was the most gentle he's ever been with me. It was soothing.
  "I'm sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry this happened to you." He spoke softly, only enough where I'd hear him and no one else. My throat wouldn't let me respond to him. I couldn't really say anything. He just sat on the floor holding me, gently rocking me back and forth. He started kissing my neck again, like he's done before. He just wanted to let me know he was here for me, till the end of the line.
  Eventually we both finally got up and walked out of the apartment. Being there made me feel like I was choking. I hated it. I held onto him the whole time we were walking home. I felt miserable. As soon as we got home I went upstairs to take a shower. Bucky and Mrs. Barnes asked if I wanted to eat, but I politely declined. I wasn't in the mood to consume any food. I just wanted to shower. I grabbed my clothes from off the bed, and I started the water in the shower. After I get out I usually dry off my hair, but I didn't even touch it this time. I was too numb to touch it. I just brushed my teeth and flopped onto my bed. I took out my journal.
                       11/27/2001
I want mom to come back. I haven't talked about this in a while, but I just want her back. It doesn't feel the same without her and dad. I feel alone. Mrs. Barnes has been nothing but kind to me, but she's not my mom. She will never be my mom. I miss seeing her. Her blonde hair and blue eyes. Every single time I step foot in front of a mirror I'm reminded of her. I hate myself. I hate looking at myself. I hate looking at myself because there's no way I can get her back. I wish the stupid illness would've taken me, not her. I should've been the one to die. I wish the asthma would kill me.
I tucked my journal back into my book bag. That's all I could think of for what I wanted to say. I wanted her back and that's that. Someone knocked on the door. I immediately knew it was Bucky.
  "Come in." I yelled. He slowly stepped into the room. He sat down on the edge of my bed next to my legs.
  "How are you feeling?" He asked me. I shifted myself upwards to get a better look at him. I thought it would be rude to not look at him while he was concerned about me.
  "A lot better now that I'm out of there. I felt like I was being strangled in there." I responded. I shifted my left leg to the side, hoping he'd get the memo. He did indeed get the memo, and started rubbing the inner part of my thigh up and down with his right hand. It always seems to calm me down.
  "That's good. I'm sorry that I didn't pull you out of the room in time." He said, staring at the exposed part of my thigh.
  "It's not your fault, Buck. You couldn't have known." That visibly calmed him down.
  "I just wish it didn't have to be this way, you know? I wish everyone was still here and okay." Bucky said, sighing after he finished.
  "I'd like that, but everything happens for a reason, Bucky. The universe always has a plan." I responded. I've always thought that everything happens for a reason. It's the only explanation for the shitshow of a planet that we have.
  "Well, I hate that plan." He said frowning. God, he's so cute. He's the reason why I get up in the morning. I know everything's going to be okay when I look into his eyes. He's the only one that can calm me down. I slid back down on my bed and cuddled up next to Bucky's side. I took in his scent. It smelled so sweet. It was kind of indescribable. He was sitting up, so my hand was wrapped around his waist and my head was buried into his side. He removed his hand from thigh, mostly because that would be a really awkward position. He instead opted for moving his hand and rubbing small circles on my back.
  "I love you so much, Stevie. You know that right? I never want to lose you." He said.
  "I know. I love you too, Buck." It was muffled by his shirt, but he could still hear me. It was now his turn to slide down the bed to face me. I had to move my arms for him to do so, but once he slid down all the way I put them right back where they were. I quickly dozed off afterwards.