Fix My Feet When They're Stumblin'

Chapter 18

     The ticking of the clock on the hospital wall was unreasonably loud to Tana, every new sound marking another passing second without Brandon. She was determined not to leave the hospital until he woke, and so she stayed behind while Olivia drove Ronnie and her boys back to stay with them overnight, and everyone else gradually trickled away and returned to the hotel for the night. A nurse on night shift had kindly provided a folding cot and blanket, set up by the window in Brandon's room, but she had only managed to fall asleep in a chair at his bedside, holding his limp hand tightly in her own, until a nurse checking on him woke her and gently asked her to move.

     As dawn broke and set the room awash in pinkish light, she woke and for a while simply watched Brandon from across the room, drinking in every steady rise and fall of his chest. He's going to be okay. He has to be.

     She hadn't been able to look at her husband properly since he had emerged from surgery the night before, and her heart twisted at the pitiful sight. He had been propped up on his right side to keep the weight off his surgically repaired shoulder blade, bandages peeking through the neckline of his hospital gown, his left arm immobilized in a navy sling. Black and purple bruises covered much of the face she loved so much, and a few inches of his dark hair had been shaved in the back of his head, exposing a line of ugly grey staples embedded in his scalp. She normally thought of him as so strong, her rock, but now he looked so small and fragile. Breakable.

     "Excuse me, Mrs. Flowers?" A dark-haired nurse had opened the door to his room, poking her head around the doorframe. "I'm afraid I need to ask you to wait in the waiting room for a few hours. We need to take care of some things. I promise one of us will let you know when you can come back, or if there are any changes."

     "Oh - of course, just one moment," Tana replied, startled. She heaved herself to her feet, fighting a momentary spell of dizziness - when was the last time I ate something? - and made her way to Brandon's bedside, intertwining her fingers with his and stroking his sweaty forehead softly with her other hand. "I love you, baby," she whispered, tracing his bruised face with her eyes one more time. She bent down and kissed his cheek tenderly, then forced herself to tear her gaze away and leave him in the nurses' hands. Perhaps it was time she visited the hospital cafeteria, before the rest of their group returned to spend the day waiting for news with her.

- - - - -

     Later that afternoon, the nurses still had not given permission for Brandon to receive visitors again, and she sat in the waiting room, once again crowded with associates of The Killers; Ronnie, Olivia, Jake, Ted and her three boys among them. To pass the time, she mindlessly knitted a throw blanket, a pattern she had used dozens of times before.

     "Mrs. Flowers? Can I speak with you for a moment?" A doctor that Tana recognized as Brandon's neuropsychologist called to her in a faint British accent as he walked briskly down the hallway toward the waiting room.

     Her heart leapt suddenly into her throat. "Of - of course," she answered shakily, rising and rushing to meet him, glancing quickly at the name embroidered into the breast of his white coat. "Dr. Mavis. Is anything wrong?" He shook his head and motioned into an empty hallway, gesturing for her to follow.

     "No, nothing is wrong, actually, quite the opposite. I wanted to inform you that your husband is awake, for about half an hour or so now, but...well, there are things you must know about patients with brain injuries before you visit with him. We'd like you to be prepared, we don't like to send families in blind.

     "He's experiencing something called a post-traumatic confusional state right now, often called post-traumatic amnesia. It's actually a good thing, it's the first stage of recovery from a traumatic brain injury, and it's always temporary, but... temporary could mean just a few hours, or it could be several weeks, we have no way of knowing until it eventually ends. It's often...disturbing, both to the patient and to the family. He woke briefly earlier this afternoon as well, but the nurse needed to sedate him as he became very distressed.

     "Essentially, he appears fully awake but his brain is still recovering, still half-asleep. It's almost like a computer stuck on a loading screen, if you will. As long as this stage lasts, he won't be able to remember much before or after his injury - our nurse who was with him when he woke says he remembers turning back to look for his friend's phone, and nothing after that point, and that it's rather upsetting for him. Some patients never recover those memories, and some do, eventually. He won't be able to form new memories, either, as long as this confusion stage lasts - he won't remember any conversations that might be had. He might ask you the same questions repeatedly. Our nurse mentioned he was very concerned for the welfare of Mr. Vannucci, kept asking her if he was here, if he was okay. He might be more emotional than usual, or perhaps even angry, when normally he wouldn't react in such a way. He is on a very high dose of pain medication, and sometimes patients who don't feel pain think that they are well enough to leave the hospital.

     "He might yell at you, or curse, or cry, or threaten you, or do any number of things that may normally be out of character. He might find bright light or loud noises disturbing or painful - often too many visitors in a day, or more than one person speaking at a time, will overwhelm patients with brain injuries, so we will limit his visitors for now. We will have a nurse in the room with him providing supervision and guidance if needed, but we wanted to be sure that you were prepared. Do you have any questions? I will be back tomorrow morning to assess him, if you don't have anything in mind at the moment."

     This was an awful lot of information, but the part that stuck in her mind and screamed at her, over and over, an alarm with flashing red lights blaring inside her head, was that he was awake. "No, Dr. Mavis, no questions right now." She could hardly contain the grin that wanted to explode across her face. Her heart felt like it might burst in anticipation.

     "Alright then, please feel free to visit him if you wish - it would be wise to keep visits short for now, while he is awake. The nurse will let you know if he seems to be overwhelmed."

     "Yes, of course - thank you! Thank you!" Unable to hold herself back any longer, she turned on her heel and sprinted through the hallways and waiting room, to Brandon's room beyond. As Tana reached for the door handle with trembling fingers, her heart fluttered in her chest, a nervous, excitable butterfly. At last.