Fix My Feet When They're Stumblin'

Chapter 52

     Tana slammed the door shut behind her, reveling for a moment in the satisfying explosion of the moment of impact that reverberated through her feet and shook the thin hotel walls. Oh, that felt good. Like the door was Ronnie's fucking head. She closed her eyes and leaned heavily against the wall, forcing herself to take deep, even breaths.

     Shutting the world out, she focused on the rhythmic patter of her heartbeat in her ears and the soothing sounds of her own breath - in and out, in and out. It's okay - get ahold of yourself. Calm down. Ronnie's only trying to help.

     Very slowly, Tana felt her pulse and her breathing slowly return to normal, a fragile peace replacing the vicious anger and despair that had reared up inside her with a vengeance at Ronnie's thoughtless comment. He doesn't know anything. He has no idea.

     Suddenly, it was like the sounds of the world turned on around her, switching from mute to full, deafening volume in a split second. Her heart sank clear through the floor beneath her feet, beating furiously once more, and an invisible elephant of guilt and anxiety settled onto her chest, suffocating her with its crushing weight.

     All three of her boys were panicking, their voices unusually high-pitched and frantic, layered over one another in increasing hysterics - "It's okay, dad, it's okay!" - "Daddy, what's wrong?" - "Oh my God, what do we do, what do we do?!" - and through it all, someone else was weeping violently, punctuated by shaky, painful gasps for air. Brandon. Oh no, baby...the door!

     Tana's eyes snapped open and she tripped over her own feet in her haste to reach her family, stumbling and catching herself just in time on the foot of the bed, both hands spread wide on the duvet. Frozen, unnoticed, she stared at Ammon and Henry - they both knelt next to Brandon, their faces ghostly white, speaking over each other and growing ever louder in their panic as they tried desperately to comfort their father. Beside them, Gunnar flipped aimlessly through the hospital's care binder with trembling fingers, a grotesque mask of dawning horror painted across his young face.

     "Kids, leave him alone!"

     Her voice came out entirely unrecognizable - harsh and sharp, like a knife. Her sons looked up at once in unison, bearing identical expressions of shock and relief. Her heart hammered loudly in the sudden ensuing silence, a stammering staccato beat that counted down the last moments of her own delicate, failing composure.

     "Mom - " Ammon began, but Tana cut him off, slashing her hand through the air.

     "I know, honey, I see - leave him alone. Go. I'll handle it. It's only the door, I slammed it too hard and it was too loud, it hurt him. That's all. It's my fault. Go take a walk, calm down. He'll be fine. Go - now," she barked, raising her voice when none of the boys moved.

     All three of them jumped in surprise, and guilt squirmed in her stomach as Brandon flinched visibly at her volume, cringing away from her and clapping his hand hard over his ear. Fuck, I just keep hurting him. I'm sorry, honey.

     Gunnar shook his head, his chin wobbling as he looked down at Brandon where he lay curled tightly in upon himself, clutching his head and sobbing like the world had ended. "But - but - come on, I wanna help! He needs us, please - mom - "

     Tana sighed, moving over to him and stroking his hair gently. "Go, baby," she repeated again, softer now. "Thank you for trying to help - all of you - but your dad's gonna be just fine, okay? He just needs peace and quiet now. I love you all, and I'm so proud of you, but you need to leave, just for now."

     Gunnar sighed and bit his lip worriedly, unable to tear his watery eyes away from Brandon. Suddenly, Ammon swooped up behind his little brother and hugged him, his arms wrapped firmly around his chest from behind, his head resting on his shoulder.