Fix My Feet When They're Stumblin'

Chapter 49

    Long after his children had awoken and been shuttled off excitedly to breakfast and a trip to the mall with Uncle Ronnie and Auntie Olivia - after Tana had packed their bags, eaten her own breakfast and skimmed through several sections of his care binders, taking notes in her phone...finally, Brandon opened his eyes.

    Sitting beside him in bed, her back resting against her stiff and bulky pillow, at first Tana didn't notice him. He lay there in silence, watching as she read the comics in the morning newspaper she had retrieved from the hotel lobby. She giggled, and he smiled.

    "What's...what's so f-funny?"

    Oh! Tana sat up suddenly, ramrod straight, crushing the newspaper in her lap and staring at him with wide eyes, feeling a bubbly grin spread across her face.

    "Brandon! You're awake!"

    He just looked back at her, studying her face intently as though he hadn't seen her in weeks. "Hi," he finally whispered, a tiny, tentative smile lifting the corners of his lips.

    She folded the newspaper and dropped it onto the beside table. "The boys went out with Ronnie and Liv, they took them to breakfast and then they're going to go shopping - they'll be back in about two hours, so we can all relax before we have to check out."

    "Oh." Brandon's eyebrows were woven together in confusion now, and he stared at the newspaper for a moment, then slowly examined the hotel room - Tana had the distinctly odd impression that he was searching for something. "Where...w-where are we, Tana?"

    She blinked in surprise. Of course - we never did actually tell him what city this is, I suppose - he slept the whole way here, didn't he? "We're driving home from the hospital, honey. To Utah. We're staying in a hotel in Kansas right now, in Wichita. You left the hospital yesterday. Do you remember?"

    His bewildered expression grew, and his eyes fell from her face, down to the mussed hotel bedding. "Um...I - I don't...I d-don't know. I remember b-being in the hospital. I remember...Mandy. And then I just...I remember...being here. W-With - with Ronnie." A spasm of pain crossed his face, his eyes distant and unmistakably sad.

    "I'm so sorry we left you and Ronnie all alone last night, Brandon," she whispered, reaching out to touch the back of his hand gently. "We - I wasn't thinking, I guess. I'm sorry. I hurt you."

    He drew away from her slightly, and Tana bit her lip, trying to brush away her own pain at his response to her apology. Did I say something wrong? If anything, he looked even more upset now - not at all comforted.

    "Brandon...what's wrong, baby? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. We won't let anything like that happen again, I promise." He just shook his head, silent, his dull eyes downcast, avoiding her worried gaze. She could hear his breathing now, audibly rough and stilted - he was near tears.

    "Is it your head? Does it hurt? Here, baby - you just woke up, you probably need your medicine," she said awkwardly, stretching her arm blindly out to the bedside table and grabbing his bag of medications and the bottle of water she had left there in preparation.

     Recalling the instructions from his medication sheet, Tana emptied the proper morning dosage from each bottle into her palm, and sat blinking at the miniature mountain of pills in her hand - so many.

    "Here, do you want to take them yourself, or...?"

    In answer, Brandon merely flattened his own hand, braced against his thigh, his fingers outstretched, and she dropped one into his palm. She watched the course of his hand as it rose to his mouth, depositing the pill inside, and then reached for the bottle of water in her other hand. His face was stony, determination setting his jaw and tightly lining his eyes. She let him take it, deciding it might be best to just let him do whatever he felt he could handle.

    As the pile of medication in her palm slowly diminished, Tana watched as her husband's hand grew ever more unsteady - first merely trembling, and then he began missing his mouth as he tried to take the pills. He's tired. He hasn't even been awake for an hour - he hasn't even stepped foot out of bed yet, and he's already so tired.

    As he finally managed to swallow one of the last pills, leaving only two remaining in her palm, she shifted uncomfortably against her pillow and spoke, watching his face carefully.

    "Brandon, honey, do you want help?"

    He shook his head, still resolutely avoiding eye contact with her, but his hand lay in his lap, unmoving and limp, and his eyes were half-lidded in exhaustion, his jaw slack. He made no move to extend his hand for another pill.

    "Please, Brandon. Let me help. You're doing so good, but you're tired. It's okay. I just want to help you. Please."

    He bit his lip, shaking his head again - but again, didn't attempt to reach out for his medication. His chest rose and fell in abrupt, jerky motions - once again, he was trying with all his waning strength to keep his composure.

    He doesn't want to cry in front of me. He doesn't want to be weak in front of me. The realization struck Tana hard, like a boulder slamming into her chest, whisking her breath away and leaving her cold. We've never...that's never been an issue before. Never.

    "Brandon," she breathed, blinking back her own tears now, "Please. Please, please let me help you. You help me all the time - every single day of my life, honey. Every damn day. I want to help you now. Please. Can't you just - just at least look at me?"

    He shook his head a third time, just the barest hint of movement, and dropped his gaze even further and examined his hands instead. Tana had an unsettling feeling that some kind of decision had been made in that moment. Sure enough, Brandon soon unfolded his trembling fingers on top of his thigh once more, and Tana felt her heart crack as he did so.

    Dutifully, she dropped the medication in his palm, and her heart sank as she watched his hand rise, shaking violently, to his mouth. One - two - three tries before he managed to put the pill in his mouth. He reached for the bottle of water, pulling it from her numb fingers and bringing it to his mouth. One more pill, gone.

    Tana closed her eyes as Brandon reached out for the last one in her hand. Sighing, she gave it to him, and stared at her knees while he took it - but she couldn't block out the harsh, pained sounds of his breathing as he struggled to control his arm.

    She could practically feel him willing his hand to obey him. She listened to the violent sloshing of the water as his hand rebelled against him, his broken, tired brain no longer able to control the muscles. If the bottle had been more than half full, it would be spilling over onto his skin, she was sure.

    Finally, Brandon fumbled with the lid, closing the bottle and dropping it carelessly to the floor, and it was done. And now they sat miles apart, though just inches from each other on the bed. Tana could no longer contain her whirling mind.

    "You don't - Brandon, you don't trust me, do you? What did I do? I'm sorry, whatever I did. I'm sorry. I'll fix it. I'll fix it, I swear. Just - just talk to me. Tell me where I'm going wrong. Please?"

    Brandon gave no indication he had heard her, and he swayed where he sat, looking alarmingly pale, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. She bit her lip hard, fighting back a sob, and placed her hand on his back, guiding him gently back down to the mattress. This time, he offered no resistance to her help - all the fight and strength in him had vanished with the last of his medications.

    "Go to sleep, baby. You should rest."

    Many minutes passed before his body finally relaxed and his breath evened out in sleep, but for a long while after, Tana sat next to him, alone.