Anxiety

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by -BIGKAHUNA

by -BIGKAHUNA

"feel like I'm always apologizing for feeling , like I'm out of my mind , when I'm doing just fine .."

back straight , don't slouch .

I walked through the halls as I felt eyes on me . why is everyone always staring at me? oh my god does my but look flat? does my stomach look flat? is something wrong with my hair? am i walking weird ? am i slouching ? i think I'm slouching .

I straightened up my back as I felt like my stomach poked out and my breast poked out too much . so unstraightened my posture a little as my thoughts kept flooding in .

you're slouching . you look like a pretzel right now . oh my god every one is looking at you being weird . wait did you finish that chemistry homework ? oh my god you're gonna fail . remember that time you came home with an F ? oh god you're gonna get youre phone taken again . oh god , oh god , what if you fail the entire course ?

I felt my lip quiver as I took a deep breath and got to the library after what felt like 5 years . I opened the door and walked up to the sign in sheet . I took a deep breath as I silently hoped the librarian didn't talk to me .

But she did .

"And how are you ?"

"I'm good , you ?"

"I'm doing fine thank you ." She finished as I placed the pen down and grabbed my books . I smiled and nodded as I walked off towards a table . I sat down and opened my book as I put in my earbuds and started reading .

A good 30 minutes passed by as I finally felt a sense of peace . I seen a hand come into view as I looked up to seen this boy .

"Um yes ?"

"You don't know who I am ?"

"Uh .." there it goes . My anxiety is going through the roof again . One he's really close , two he looks familiar and three he's really cute and cute guys don't really talk to me .

"Keith Powers ? King of the school ?" He tried to remind me .

"Um .. okay ..?" I spoke , grabbing my books " you can have your table back if you want , I'll just .. go sit somewhere else .."

I stood up as I felt a hand palm my ass . My heart rate sped up as I turned around to see his friends dapping him up and he had this big accomplished smile on his face .

I felt my eyes tear up as I started thinking again .

Oh my god , you look provocative . You just HAD to make yourself look like a free for all . Now these boys think you're easy , are you easy ? Are you a slut ? No ? Not from the way this dress is showing off your assets . Oh my god I knew you should've worn sweat pants and a hoodie , WHY DID YOU THINK TODAY WAS GONNA BE DIFFERENT ?!

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I ran in the bathroom and felt my hands begin to shake , I began to feel overwhelmed . I felt myself starting to hyperventilate as I slid down a wall and began to cry with no hesitation , I softly sobbed in my hands as the mascara I was wearing ran down my face .

Having anxiety sucks .
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So I wrote this already , but it got deleted in the last book so , but this is basically an update on how my anxiety has changed .. yeah , it's pretty bad 😬

But um , take care of the people who seem quiet or overwhelmed over little things . 12/10 this is the shit they are thinking about .

And yes , it's possible for black people to have anxiety . Black girls especially .

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