Hold Me Close | Kellic

Chapter 21

VIC'S P.O.V

I was anxious to say the least. I knew Kellin had left Mike and had gone off somewhere to a place I couldn't contact him, whether he'd purposely wandered off out of reach I don't know.

Knowing that Mike was safe was more than reassuring. I'd dreamt and dreamt of knowing Mike's whereabouts and what he was doing. I began crying when I replayed the conversation with Kellin in my head, hearing him tell me that Mike still loved me. Whilst we were alive mine and Mike's relationship was the same as any other ordinary brothers', it was only once I'd reached Heaven that I knew how much my little brother really meant to me and I regretted that day even more. Mike may have forgiven me for it but I will never forgive myself.

I don't know what happened after our brief conversation but I'm positive that Kellin didn't take to it well. He was silently blaming himself for not having Mike and I talk to each other even though I told him both Mike and I were grateful to just know we were both okay. I tried to contact him to make sure the burden was lifted off of his shoulders but I couldn't get through, no matter how many times I tried which is what made me suspect Kellin had left and gone somewhere else.

I got up from my bed and began walking. Since Kellin had walked off I supposed I may as well too, it didn't seem like we'd be talking again for several hours.

I ventured off through Heaven, walking yet again through the beautiful gardens. I always ended up going back to the flowers and sitting in the middle of giant gardens, taking in the glorious scents and fascinating images of the amazing plants surrounding me. Heaven was definitely what you'd except of it, peace and nothing but it.

It was your own perfect paradise, anything you wanted would appear at your feet. All buildings were magnificent, tall and white. Only in certain areas were there concrete or marble floors, either that or you were walking on clouds without any fear of falling through them. Everything was immaculate, spotless.

The part that Angels loved the most was the room of 'Felicitas Aeterna'. It translated as 'Eternal Happiness'. You received anything and everything you could wish for in there and no limit was given for how long you could spend in there or how much you're given. For someone who loved music, you could be granted any instrument you desire and be able to perfectly play each and every single one. There's only one room but a million Angels could be in there all at once because you don't share worlds, you can only enter your own.

I went in there once. It didn't work on me. Once you step inside it's no longer a room, it becomes it's own world. Any knowledge that it's only a room disappears, it is long forgotten and you're entranced, forced to believe that what you're experiencing is real therefore it creates true happiness. For a sportsman you might enter a tournament and win then return home to your family and then train for your sport, your own perfect world is formed and you leave on your own accord but no one can ever see what you see in your world.

My mind must have worked differently because I didn't believe it. The time I had walked into my world I saw Jaime, Tony and Mike sitting in my basement. They were laughing, surrounded by instruments and I knew we'd just finished band practice. I went to go sit next to them, Tony moving over to give me room to join them. They had spoken to me like it was any normal day, like nothing had ever happened between us and we were all alive but I knew better. I knew it was fake and that's what hurt. None of them were real, they were figures of my imagination. My mind overpowered the room of 'Felicitas Aeterna' so I left, heartbroken at having to relive old, happy memories that would never exist again. It only reminded me of reality. Why I was the only Angel who could see the truth of it, I don't know.

Now I stood in front of the room, thinking about that experience. I could hear the other Angels inside, some singing and some laughing, all truly happy but then there was me. The depressed Angel who couldn't fit the description of a perfect being. It was painful being different, I couldn't embrace it like I was told to.

I turned on my heels and tried to find Tony and Jaime, so that I'd have company and would feel less alone.

Recently it had been easy to guess where they were. Tony was always with Turtle and Jaime was always with Tony. I felt guilty because it used to be the three of us before I discovered Kellin but now I locked myself away, constantly trying to talk to him. I had began loving Kellin's company more than Jaime and Tony's, even if he wasn't physically there with me. I had almost abandoned my best friends, it was so wrong of me but something about Kellin intrigued me.

A lot of times before, I had found them by the water fountain that I had run away from, when I was scared they'd see the new cuts on my wrists. I'd stopped now, I didn't want it effecting Kellin too. They stayed by the water fountain for Turtle's sake so that Turtle could splash about in the cool water.

They weren't there this time though, not that I was completely expecting them to be though. Heaven was a huge place, I doubt they'd be there forever. I circled the parts of Heaven I was familiar with again and again but failed to find them. I gave up eventually and went back to my room where I probably belonged.

I sat myself down on my bed and stared at the wall in front of me, my mind drifting to several different places all at once. To Kellin, to Mike, to Jaime and Tony, to what happened that day and to why I had to be me.

"Vic?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw Oli standing in the doorway. Immediately I became confused as to why he was there but I acted polite and smiled in his direction.

"Hi, Oli," I said, cheeriness in my voice.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked me and I nodded, moving over and patting the space beside me on the bed. He sat down and an awkward silence filled the air as we sat there unsure of what to say to each other.

"So how are you, Vic?" he asked casually.

"I'm good, you?" I replied.

"I'm great," he paused, "are you sure that you're good?" he asked me again but I tilted my head in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"You've been locked up in here more than usual. People are wondering where you've been," he said.

"I just like the peace and quiet of privacy," I said. I couldn't bring up Kellin to Oli, I didn't know him very well.

"Oh, ok. Does it not get lonely? Don't you talk to anyone?" He said. I was a bit taken aback by the question considering I had just made the decision to not mention Kellin.

"No," I said simply.

"You sure? I could always come and give you company if you're not talking to anyone," he said.

"I thought you didn't like me because I'm gay," I said, not answering him.

"I'm only teasing, I'm sorry if it gets to you," he said and in that moment I could tell he wasn't being sincere.

"It's fine," I lied, "but I'm kinda tired and was just about to get some rest."

"Oh, I'm sorry to have interrupted you," he apologised, "I'll see you around then." With that he got up and walked out of my room, leaving me staring at him in a bewildered state after our extremely brief conversation.