My heart beats for you. ↬ SKZ

1.0

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"He's so beautiful... look at him.. I can't wait to start our parenthood all over again".

The father gushes at his newborn son who yawned before going back to sleep peacefully in his bassinet.

The woman smiled a little thinking about the life Chan will live now that his precious baby was out into the world. She'd been waiting for this moment for a while, satisfied that she was able to give him another.

"Yes, I'm sure you will continue to be the best father this world has ever seen".

Chan was still hovering over the bassinet cooing over the hospital monitors.

"Damn right I will. And you are and will continue to be the epitome of a good mother. I wouldn't be able to do this alone".

She smiled until it disappears. Her smile—-it was something about her smile that hadn't been the same. Her energy, her happiness, it hadn't been the same. And as much as her heart ached to inform her Husband she had to do what was right.

"Today, my love, you have to learn how to".

His heart froze immediately in his chest. He could've turned around but he just didn't want to. He wanted to act like he didn't hear her words.

"What?".

"Doing it on your own Chan. I know you can do it".

"Why would I have to do this on my own?".

And at that moment she broke out into broken sobs. Words couldn't describe how empty she felt, they couldn't describe how long she felt like she'd already been gone.

And Chan stayed still, gripping the edges of the bassinet until his knuckles turned white.

"Chan, look at me chan".

She croaks spotting her husband's hesitancy. It only took a few more cries for Chan's tears to overwhelm him by the same token.

"Why?".

"Please look".

And slowly but surely he fixed his eyes on the woman whose love was the only love he'd ever known. The woman who loved him when he couldn't love himself, the woman that was in the life of their now seven children every step of the way.

They graduated high school together, attended college together, they even just bought a house together.

How could she do this to him?

His guess was that he'd been so focused on the baby's birth, he hadn't noticed how grim his wife's appearance had gotten. But all he could see was her crying endlessly for a reason he hadn't known.

"I'm sick chan. I've been sick for a while now and I'm just grateful that the baby is okay but chan—my love I don't have much longer. It can be any day now. And I'd rather much die right here right now than for the children to find me somewhere".

Chan couldn't stop. His tears wouldn't stop, he was lost for words and didn't think they'd come out even if he tried. His heart was completely broken and all he could think about was doing everything on his own.

He couldn't do it all alone.

He didn't know a life without her.

"Why...why didn't you tell me sooner?".

He felt himself getting choked up in his sobs that silently screamed for help, that silently hoped this was all a lucid dream.

"I can't put stress on you as a father. The kids adore you, you're their best friend. But Chan I need you to know that you are strong, you are powerful and you can do this. Okay?".

Chan embraces her cold body planting kisses everywhere possible. He didn't want her to go, God, he didn't want her to go but nothing compared to the lives she'd ruin if she'd been found by her own children.

He intertwined their fingers together kissing the grip,

"What do you want me to do?".

She faltered, her heart wrenching at what she was about to ask of him.

"I want you to pull the cord Chan".

By now chan was sure if he hadn't ever gotten his heart broken before it was definitely mangled at this point. He'd never thought he'd hear those words. He continued to cry feeling his chest heave dangerously fast. He felt like the scariest little boy, shaking and crying as if he'd seen a monster under his bed.

Only it hadn't been a monster but the wounding words from his wife.

"I can't".

"I'm sorry. Im so sorry and I love you so much you have no idea how much this hurts. Just please do it".

Chan gazes up with half-lidded eyes drinking in as much of her scent as he could get. He presses his lips to her forehead, professing his love again and again and apologizing for the things he'd ever done wrong. If his tears were any larger the linoleum floors would be a river.

Drawing the cord and hearing the monitors scream was one of the worst sounds that will pierce his ears for nights and nights to come. He felt his body grow limp as the doctors rushed in an instant wheeling the hospital bed away.

He took another glimpse at the now sleeping beauty and felt his heartache again and his tears fell again, this time falling somewhere in particular.

He watched his tears sink into the cotton blankets that wrapped around his son who was now his biggest piece of her. Chan cradled his fragile body making sure he was close to his chest—in an attempt to warm it.

He weeps silently,

"Jeongin, I promise I'll be the best father to you and your brothers--".

His weeps grew distressingly and nothing measured to his vulnerability. For the first time in his life, he felt alone.

"What mommy did wasn't your fault, Daddy will always be here I promise I will never leave you guys".

He knew jeongin would never understand-- none of them will but it isn't their job to do so. The only job worth mentioning was Chan falling victim to the single father role that he'd have to grow to love for the rest of his life.

As much as he wanted his own heart to stop beating so he would be numb to the pain he thought about Jeongin.

He thought about Minho, Jisung, and Felix.

He thought about Seungmin, Changbin, and Hyunjin.

And it dawned on him that his heart was never meant to beat for himself,

But his heart beats for them.