Vidcon Romance [YouTube]

Back To School

The next week were the worst days in my entire life. Mum and dad took dexter to the doctors, who then transferred then to a children's psych hospital. On their second visit, they came home leaving Dex there. The nurses hadn't diagnosed anything, tent can't in two days, but try definitely think something is up. Mum and dad have been arguing everyday. It always starts off about Dexter, but then it alway ends up being about my mum accusing my dad of cheating and him never denying it but arguing back. I haven't eaten anything substantial all week, perhaps a snack here or there, I just can't stomach it knowing that Dexter's in that place. We can't visit him yet, not until he's been diagnosed and he's settled in and we've been told that could take up to three weeks. My seven year old brother was all alone in a mental hospital with only his hallucinations to talk to.

I haven't even begun to think about ideas for a video, normally if something upset me if begin recording and it'd be fine, but I just know that if I try to speak about anything, in my mind it's link back to Dexter. He is all I think about now, but the rare moments where I have a blank canvas in my mind, anything an remind me of him. Is he safe? Is he asking for me? Is he crying? Or is he laughing right now? I have so many question that can't be answered and it makes me feel like I'm stuck under water with thick ice above. I'm in and there's no way out.

Nobody else knows about my brother and I'm planning to keep it that way. It was easy this first week, stay in my room, don't go online and don't answer any calls. Simple. I just had to stay hidden, but it's the first day back to school now, the first day of year 11. My most important year at school, my GCSE year, the grades I get will follow me around all my life, and my life has just turned to shit.

I force myself to get up after lying on my bed for half an hour. I haven't bothered with my appearance all week and to be honest, I don't care about what I look like right now, but I don't what anyone to suspect anything. I get in the shower and rhythmically rub shampoo into my hair. I don't sing, not like I used to, I haven't sung all week, and the only thing I've said is "yeah I'm ok" in response to my parents. I jump up of the shower after washing the conditioner out of my hair and quickly dry myself before getting dressed in the uniform that I brought into the bathroom with me. Black skirt, tights, blue shirt, navy blue blazer and my yellow and blue striped house tie. I do the rest of my morning routine, brushing my faded blue hair, applying make-up and eating a little breakfast.

It feels as I'm doing everything in slow motion, I'd believe it if it wasn't for my parents shouting at top speed in the next room. I grab my nearly empty school bag and my phone that has been shoved in a kitchen drawer off all week.

"I'm going to school now," I tell my parents.
"Jenna can't you see we're busy right now?" Dad exclaims.
"It's my first day of year eleven," I add.
"Didn't you hear dad?" Mum shouts.
"Don't you shout at her!" Dad yells at her and before I can hear her response I leave the house and begin my short journey to school.

I turn my phone on and after waiting a decade for the little apple logo to disappear and for the lock screen to appear, texts and missed calls flood in. There are some from Bethan, Sam, Jack, Dean, Luke and Bertie. There are even some from some school friends. I turn my phone off and shove it in my bag as I reach the school gates. There are people everywhere, I really don't want to be here but it's an important year and I've never been one to bunk off. I run my had through my hair, take a deep breath, and enter the school grounds, walking towards my friends who are sat in our usual place laughing.
"Jenna!" Lucy grins, "it's good to see you!"
"Good to see you too," I smile slightly, "all of you."
"Love the hair man," Dani laughs.
"You okay Jenna?" Lucy asks, "you didn't answer any of our texts or calls."
"Oh yeah sorry about that," I laugh, "we were having family time. What've you guys been up to?"

I sit back and listen to Lucy and Dani discuss their holidays, laughing about a funny story, and blushing about a cute boy they both saw. I notice the suspicious look Bethan is giving me but I ignore her. She must know about mine and Bertie's break up. and she obviously must have noticed my lack of videos. After my YouNow live stream ended with me crying, I got a lot of tweets questioning it which I ignored. I suppose there are a lot of unanswered questions in my life right now. To prevent raising anymore suspicion, I join Lucy and Dani's conversation, laughing along with them. I've never really been much of an actress, but I'm finding it quite easy to act as if nothing's wrong. Perhaps it's because that's what I want. A normal life with no issues. Not without YouTube, but without having a schizophrenic seven year old brother, without having parents that constantly argue about everything. I want my old life back before I went to Vidcon. I wouldn't have met Bertie and I would have spent more time Dexter; I would have noticed his symptoms earlier on; I wouldn't have had to hurt someone by breaking up with them; I wouldn't have been reminded of Ingrid by Bri; and I would have been a peacemaker during my parent's arguments when they first began.

I wish I hadn't gone to Vidcon because all it's done has fucked things up for me. The problem is, if I go back I wouldn't do anything differently because, at the time, I was happy and it felt like it was working. If only I knew how shitty things would turn so quickly.

[sorry for the slow updates]

[I'm in my GCSE year and so I need to focus on my school work. the only time I write is in the morning or at night when I'm in bed. It's the half term break for me now so I'll try to write more often]

[happy halloween! I have two parties this week, one of wednesday and one on thursday, aw ye]