Billie Girl

Chapter Forty Five

On my eighteenth birthday they take me to a Little India restaurant on Sixth street. They have rented the whole place for just me and as many friends of theirs they could think of. They are mostly older people, but that's cool. It's the thought that counts. They are just a bunch of people that I hardly know.

"These are my friends," Connie says. "Some of them I have not seen for years. But I thought you needed to know that by being connected to us, you are connected to so many people that love you. One thing you must know is that everybody here knows what has happened to you...and you know what?...it makes them love you even more."

A singer has been hired to entertain us. He is singing this really old song that I know because my father loved Neil Diamond. It goes like this:

"You are the son, I am the moon, you are the words, I am the tune, play me."

I feel happy and empty at the same time. I know now that it is possible for someone to go so totally out of the way for me and yet, for it to not make a damn bit of difference. My depression is now a much closer friend of mine. We all dine on Chicken Tandoori and Chicken Vindaloo and chick peas and we have Poori bread and drink wine. A cake is presented, and it has eighteen candles on it. In my cloud of depression I have forgotten the significance of this birthday. I am legal now. I can do as I wish. Nobody has any jurisdiction over me anymore. But, I have lost the will to really take advantage of it.

It is dark in that cavernous low-ceiling Indian restaurant. I can not make out anybody very well. But I do notice the boy carrying the cake. He has short hair, and he doesn't look Indian at all like the other waiters that work at this restaurant.

Like I said, it is dark, but he does look nice. Could not be much older than twenty-two or twenty- three. And then I have an odd sensation that I do not trust. And that is that I knew him, somehow. The sparkling candles were making light flicker on his face. But I can deny it no longer.

It is Blake.

He gently places the cake in front of me. I recognize his wild scent. But he had cut his hair so short. And he is clean-shaven. I am not sure if I like him this way. He looks so well, like he has conformed to the establishment. But, he also looks unusually handsome now that I can at least see his bone structure better. He is still my handsome Blake.

'Happy Birthday, Billie," he says. I don't care about the cake any longer. All I care about is holding him and apologizing to him about the way things have worked out.

As I hold him I whisper into his ears, "Why didn't you want to talk to me for so long?"

"I have been going through a lot, Billie," he says into my ear. His breath caresses me in a nice way.

"So have I. We could have gone through it together."

"I just had to be alone. Listen, just blow out the candles and we can talk all we want."

I blow out the candles and then I tug at him so that he will sit next to me.

"Whose idea was it to surprise me like this?" I ask.

"It was Connie's idea," Blake said. "I contacted her. I wanted to be here for you on your birthday."

I don't know anybody else at the party, and they all seem to go out of focus, and I just stare into Blake's eyes. It has only been a couple of months, but he looks so mature.

"So are you here to sweep me off my feet? I am eighteen now. I don't have to stay with Connie and Frank. This is New York City. This is where we wanted to be. We can find a place."

"We have to be realistic, Billie. Do you know how much an apartment costs in the City?"

"We can live in the Boroughs or have a thousand roommates. Who cares?" I said.

"I have applied for the military."

What he says sends a jolt into my system. For a moment I am speechless. And then I say, "You're kidding, right?"

He grits his jaw and answers, "No, I am not."

"You're a poet. You're my poet. You belong in Bohemia with me."

"No, Billie. I have to seriously get my shit together. I learned something from what happened. I learned that there are bad people out there. And I want to protect you from them. I want to protect our country."

"Have you been brainwashed?"

"No, I have just changed. When you kill a man, it changes you."

"So now you want to kill more men."

"If it comes to that. Maybe. Chances are I will never see any action at all."

"You really must be joking? This is so not like you."

"I am not as smart as you. At least the military will look out for me. They look our for their own. There are a zillion benefits."

"Getting killed is one of them."

"Well as you well know, no place is safe. But if I can make this a safer country, then so be it."

"How could you have changed so much?"

"I don't know, Billie. It just happened."

"But what about tonight? Can you stay with me tonight? I am sure that Connie and Frank won't care. There are liberals like me, you know."

"Who said I wasn't a liberal anymore, Billie?" Anyway, I don't think I can."

"But remember, if we make love, we can live forever."

"That was just crazy talk. We are not going to live forever."

"Please stay with me, Blake, and make love to me tonight."

"I ship out to Florida for boot camp in a couple of hours."