Billie Girl

Chapter Thirty Two

Everything started feeling like a dream, if such a thing was possible. For one, I was unable to sleep and yes, Dr. Moody did get in touch with me, and I didn't want to leave the house to go to a session, so we had our session over the phone. He called in a prescription for me for Ambien in an attempt to get my sleep back. But it wasn't so simple. For one, I didn't know where to sleep. I didn't want to touch my bed because Leslie had laid down on it and her Chanel scent was everywhere.

I didn't want to sleep up in the attic guest room bed because that had been her room and all her things were there as she had left them. That left only my mother's bed, but that was a very sorrowful room to be in. And her moans of anguish were confusing the dogs who kept scratching at her door...but she never let them in, nor would she feed them or give them water. That was my job now.

Everything now was up to me. I had the full brunt of all household chores, and I never had the knack that mother had for housework She was living on split pea soup, which she would warm up in the microwave and eat in her room. Sometimes she would eat cereal, and she never got dressed for the day. She just roamed the house in her oversized nightgown.

Tova came over to live with us for a few days. Her mother was against it, but she never much followed her mother's wishes anyhow. It was as if Tova and I were a lesbian couple and Mother was our surrogate child.

Tova was really great, no doubt about it. She took on the house duties with panache. She vacuumed, mopped, scrubbed, cooked wild rice, and made the coffee in the morning. Naturally my mother was having none of it. She did not object, but she hardly even acknowledged that Tova was there helping out. It was very clear that there would be no replacement for the void that Leslie left behind. Then, like clockwork, both Tova and I had our periods, and mine was particularly debilitating. I have always had a heavy flow, plus cramps. But this one felt like I had been kicked in the stomach by some uncaring Goddess of womanhood who really wanted me to suffer.

I just lay in bed, and since Tova's periods had always been a breeze for her, she took care of me during those first few days when I could hardly function. I even had to tell Detective Stanley that I could not start on our mission because there was no way I could walk. He said that I must call him as soon as I was better, because they had already worked out a strategy that they felt confident would bring the killings to a stop.

"I understand that you need a friend now," he said over the phone,"But when the operation begins, it will not be prudent to have your friend, Tova, living there at your house. It muddies the waters, so to speak."

I had never heard that phrase, "Muddies the waters," and so I asked him what he meant.

"Tova is in the demographic of this killer. The only exception he has made is your sister, who was much older. But we have reason to believe he will resume his pattern. Not to scare you, but we also have reason to believe that he might now be specifically after you. We don't have the manpower to protect every girl in the region. We cannot guarantee the protection of your friend Tova. It will be much better if you send her home as soon as you feel better. The sooner the better, for her sake."

Tova didn't want to go. But that was because I did not tell her about my relationship with the detective. I wasn't supposed to for her sake. Yet she just would not heed my request. It didn't make sense to her. I had never rejected her company before, and it hurt her.

"I thought you would want me here with you. I feel bad for you. I am afraid if you were left alone, you might do something rash."

"Like what?"

"Like maybe you might do something to hurt yourself."

"You know I am not like that. You know I wouldn't leave you like that. I know that suicide is not the answer. I have to live for my mother. I have to live for myself, for Blake, and for you, Tova."