Again | g.d

Part Twenty-Two

I run as fast as my legs will carry me through the church.

I can hear someone calling my name as they chase after me. I don't want to look over my shoulder because I'm not sure if it's Ethan or Grayson. My ears are ringing too loud for me to tell.

After last night I thought this was what I wanted. This whole time all I wanted was for Grayson to look me in the eyes and says he wants to be with me. But I didn't want it in a room full of people at his wedding. And I definitely didn't want it to happen in front of Avery.

The stares people were giving me. The words I could hear be whispered through the crowd when the chapel was silent. The judgment I felt was eating me alive. The guilt I feel is even worse.

I squeeze my eyes shut and force myself to run faster out the front doors of the church.

When I'm finally outside, the first thing I do is pry the uncomfortable heels off of my feet and let them drop to the ground. Then I take out the bobby pins holding my hair up in its bun, and let my hair fall against my shoulders.

I take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief. I didn't realize how suffocated I really felt inside the walls of that church until I'm surrounded by fresh, cool air.

Just then I hear the door creak open behind me, and I tense up because I already know who it is. I keep my back to him because I know if I turn to look at him I'll probably just break down again. But I can feel him step closer to me until he's right behind me.

All of a sudden he grabs one of my hands. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" He asks me softly, stepping in front of me to lead me down the church steps.

I plant my feet and tug my hand out of his grip, looking at him in confusion. "This whole thing is the last thing I want to talk about," I admit, lamely.

"What?" He looks at me blankly, stuffing the hand I was once holding onto his pocket. "Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Not like this," I say painfully as I look away from him.

"Like what, Savannah?"

"Like last night," I push out, looking at him again. "Last night you looked me in the eyes and told me to get out after I poured my heart out to you. And then you announce to Avery–to everyone–that you love me!" I began to ramble.

My hearts pumping in my chest. My stomach hearts, my heads pounding. It feels like my throat is closing a little bit more with every word I manage to get out.

"You just... you just told everyone..." I say with a shaky voice. "And now they... they all know." I can feel my entire body trembling. "And now Avery hates me. Everyone in there probably thinks I'm some slut," I blabber on.

"Sav," Grayson tries, stepping closer to me.

But it doesn't help. It's not going to because I'm already in my own head.

"I just lost my best friend," I continue. "And I... I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I cant be a wife. I don't... I don't even think I'd be a good one, Gray. Look at how bad of a girlfriend I was to Jack,"

I'm talking so fast I'm stumbling over my words. I don't know if Grayson can even understand what I'm saying because I'm speaking faster than my brain is thinking.

"What if we hurt each other the same way we hurt Avery and Jack? I cant get hurt again, Grayson, I can't. But I deserve it. I really deserve it for what I did to Avery–she doesn't deserve any of this."

"Savannah, slow down," Grayson tries again, walking closer to me. "Sav, you're having a panic attack."

That explains why it's so hard to breathe.

I shake my head. "I'm gonna ruin it, Grayson. I'm gonna ruin what we have just like I ruined things with Avery and Jack, and Avery and you," I spit out.

I gasp for air in between each word. Everything around me is spinning, and the only thing echoing in my head is how much of a fuck up I am.

"Oh, God," I throw my hand over my heart, finding it harder and harder to stand up. I take one big breath breath as a tear falls from my eye. "Why do I ruin everything, Gray?" I ask weakly.

That's when my knees finally give out, and my head reaches a level of pain that's just too much to bear.

That's when I pass out. And the last thing I see is Grayson rushing forward to catch me.