To See The Stars

Chapter Thirteen: Jax

When you are the one supporting your friend, I've noticed that trying to work through grief and pain of loving a loved one or rather preparing to lose a loved one becomes much harder. You want to be the strong one, but at the same time fall apart and just be with them as much as you can. I'm in the stages of falling apart, but instead I focus that energy on Toby. He looks like he's already fallen apart.

The nurse let us wait in his room for him to wake up. So Toby, and I, each take a seat in the empty gray hospital chairs beside the bed. Toby just stares at his dirt coated, vans, like he's trying to clean them with his mind. For those quiet few moments I watch Toby fall apart. His right hand grips the arm rest, while his left is focused on rubbing his eyes. I finally take a good look at him.

His hair is an oily mess and his face isn't much better. Eyes drooped low, and a shaky "grin" if you can even call it that, he looks like he hasn't slept much at all. Then again, Toby's Mr. Philip's son, so it's no wonder he's so stressed out. I snake a hand towards him, and as gently as I can so as not to scare him, place it over his right hand, which has begun to shake.

I watch as Toby's tired face cracks apart, and crumbles to pieces onto the ground, to reveal a softer expression hiding underneath. Ever so slightly the corners of his mouth curve upwards, and he closes his eyes, relieved to have the small bit of comfort.

It's not too long after that, before Mr. Phillip's wakes up. His eyes blink open revealing his dark hazel eyes, which instead of sparkling like they usually do, appear dull and lifeless.

When he lifts his head, his sweaty matted down salt and pepper hair glistens in the hazy hospital light. His skin clings to his bones, and he looks dead already. I try my best to avoid the IV's when I give him a light hug, not wanting to hurt him, before I say hello.

Mr. Phillip's smiles a bit, "Hey Jax, it's go-," He's cut off by a vicious cough that emerges from the depths of his throat. "It's good to see you, buddy. Sorry I don't look nearly as presentable as the two of you." He has to pause every few words to let out a loud, wet, cough.

"You look great, Mr. Phillips, don't worry about it." I give him a soft smile, and lean closer to Toby when I notice his face shift from the small smile into a frown. I lean ever so slightly onto his shoulder and Toby's posture gradually starts to relax.

"Don't even try to lie, I know what you are really thinking," Mr. Phillips jokes. I smile, glad he hasn't lost his sense of humor. He runs a hand through his hair, and shakes it into (worse)shape. "How are you doing, kiddo? Still going to that group?"

My smile deepens, "I'm alright, and yeah, the group is cool I guess, it's not exactly fun, but it's not boring either, so yah know, it's alright." Toby gives me a look that says please shut the fuck up, when I start to sound excessively boring. I place a hand on his head and mess up his horrifically soft black hair before giving him a look that says, Toby, you know I always sound boring, but I thank you for your continued sassiness.

"Jax, do you remember when you broke my kitchen window?" Mr. Phillips asks randomly, likely slipping into memory lane.

I nod. "Yeah, kind of. I was playing catch with Toby right?"

He laughs, "You were so loud back then, still are by the way. I could just barely hear Toby saying you guys could just pretend that someone else broke the window. To which you shouted back, "We are the only ones here, Toby!!!" Mr. Phillips gives a mix between a laugh and a cough, "I've never laughed harder then in that moment."

Toby and I laugh, but judging by Toby's face, neither of us have any recollection of that happening.

"You boys were something else," He laughs. "I've never seen anyone get along better than you two did." Toby and I grin at each other, in a way that says, damn right!

I ruffle Toby's hair again(it's actually kind of fun), which causes a light blush to start to form on Toby's face. I internally chuckle the chuckle of a thousand men, "Yeah, I got pretty lucky to find Toby when I did."

"Damn right you did," Toby mumbles.

"What was that?" I ask as innocently as I can.

"Oh, nothing...."

"I don't know man. It certainly sounded like something." I'm teasing him hard at this point.

"Oh, shut up already!" ,Toby grumbles punching me in the arm.

I shake my head, "Nuh-uh."

"Yuh, huh!"

"Toby, I can promise you that I will never shut up until the day I die. And even then, if I end up a ghost, you'll never hear the end of me."

Mr. Phillip's bursts into a loud hearty fit of laughter, causing us to look up from our bickering. "I'm going to miss listening to this."

And just like that Toby's biting back his frown, struggling to keep it in a grin. And if I'm being honest so am I. I forgot for a second that Mr. Phillip's is dying, and not just making us a sandwich in the kitchen or working on household chores, like he usually is.

"I'm happy I got to see you two, even if it was for a short ti- time," Mr. Phillips coughs. "I'm proud of the man you've become Jax. You're a good kid, and I hope you know that."

Tears start to swell in my eyes, and before I can stop it, one spills over and cascades it's way down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away but he's already seen it. I hold back the rest as best I can. I struggle to get the words out, out of fear of crying, "Thank- I- thank-k you."

Mr. Phillips reaches out to me, and grabs my shoulders best he can, looking into my eyes as he says this, "You've done a good job, kid. I'm proud of you," He squeezes my shoulders. "You keep making me proud, you hear me?"

I nod, pressing my lips together tightly, as I struggle to rein in the Niagara Falls that is about to come from my eyes. When the nurse comes back in to shoo us out, I'm at a point where I desperately need to leave the room. I barely manage to say goodbye, as I leave. I walk towards what I can only hope is the direction of the truck, as tears start to trail down my cheeks. They're falling faster and faster, to the point where I have to stop walking just to catch my breath. I shut my eyes and wrap my arms around myself, just to calm myself

I feel someone's hand touch my arm, and I look up. Toby's face is brimming with concern. I look away, ashamed. Toby places a hand on both of my arms and squeezes it, "It's okay, it's okay, hey, hey, listen it's okay. You don't have to try to be strong for me. It's okay. It's okay."

I try to recompose myself, but end up failing miserably.

He finds his way into my line of vision, and says, "Let that shit out, man. I care about you and I'm here for you, so for fucksake, let that guard down." I shove him off me.