To See The Stars

Chapter Three: Jack

Authors note: The fantastic art above that depicts Jack, was made by the ever so lovely Xicyhot_bestboiX !

I'm troubled, yes, I'm troubled, and so is everyone else, as far as I can see.
I need the support, I've lived without it for so long that maybe this is getting out of hand. I've become static, in a world of channels. But when have I ever really been a channel?

I guess I should stop zoning out, as I am supposed to be a part of this group. I refocus my mind, and notice that Jax is speaking, not unusual for him to do. He talks the most, out of all of us. I'd like to think that he actually gives a shit, but that would be naive of me. Faking it, can be just as powerful as actually giving a shit. The power is in perspective. You would never know if he actually cares unless he tells you. But you can always get the feeling that someone is paying attention or not.

The same goes for the opposite. Being able to fake that feeling is key, and it's an important skill. Of course, you can always just actually pay attention, but the fun is in the observation. When you've done it before, identifying it in others becomes loads easier. It makes life a bit more interesting.

The world would like to believe that it doesn't care, but it does. It cares alot. At least in my experience it does. Pretending to ignore the world, and to be absorbed in your own life, is just the way of life. Or maybe others really can just stop thinking about everything. Maybe other people actually don't care about what others think. Maybe it's just me who is so absorbed in the cacophonous ways of life, and the never ending cycles of judgement from others. Maybe I'm alone in my thinking. How could I ever know?

I just zoned out again. I blame the constant stream of thoughts racing through my mind that haven't yet been able to slow down. It gets crowded, and as my mom used to say, I'm deafened by the constant roars of thoughts so it's hard for me to hear the world when it speaks. I try to focus, I do, but thoughts always seem to break through.

Noah's looking at me. Wait. Jax is to, and so is Julie. Shit. Everyone's looking at me. Someone must have said something to me. Panic starts to set in, and when panic sets in, my ability to speak starts to fail miserably. I try to stop the words from leaving my lips, but find no such luck, "Uhh.. I... uh... um.. huh?" Beautiful. Truly a beautiful speech. Jeez.

Noah repeats, patiently, "I asked if you, like Jax, have anyone in your life who acts as a support system for you."

I resist the urge to laugh maniacally, and say, "Well, no, not anymore."

Noah leans forward in his seat, before asking, "What do you mean by not anymore?"

"Before my mom died, I had people in my life, people who supported me. Like Mom, dad, and Zach. But when people started to cut me off, I stopped talking to people. And when I did start to trust someone, I ended up getting hurt. So I stopped trusting people, and gradually stopped talking to people too."

Noah gives a therapist answer of, "Perhaps you should try reaching out to others." And well, he said some other stuff but I started to zone out again. And it wasn't long after that before Noah ended the group.