To See The Stars

Chapter Fifthteen: Julie

I pull at the bottom of my rosy pink skirt. I tend to overdress when I get nervous. And I definitely needed the confidence boost. Not that I'm not confident, I'm just like really... I don't know the word for it. I guess upset? Whatever, point is, I'm cute as fuck today. But guess who says I look cute?

Literally no one. As I walked down the halls this morning, no one waved to me. No one smiled at me. No one greeted me. They scowled or sighed when they saw me coming. Which just pissed me off more. They should've been smiling! Or something! People are supposed to like me, worship me. That's what mom always said. "If you aren't in a position of power, then you don't matter." Has it always been this way, or am I just noticing it for the first time?

I'm trying hard to seem like I'm paying attention in class, but it's not working well. I'm looking at Mr. Jedson but I'm not really looking. My fingers keep finding their ways to my imperfections. Finding the things I try so hard to hide. I'm not the best at showing or even expressing emotions and I'm certainly not going to start now. So I focus on the way that Mr Jedson moves his marker across the whiteboard, and the way the curves in his handwriting reminds me of that fancy writing form. Call-something? Cala-phy? Wait I think it starts with cali. Oh right! Caliaphy. That sounds sorta right.

Noah, would say I'm avoiding facing my issues, which is about when I tell him he's really fucking obnoxious and has no idea what in the hell he is talking about. And Noah, Noah, would just smile at me, before breaking down the situation, brushing aside my harsh words. I'm not going to lie, therapy fucking sucks. It does. But I mean, I guess I am sorta starting to realise some.... You know what? No. I'm not going to say I'm getting better just because some asshole in a chair, says so. Fuck Therapy. Fuck Noah. Fuck Jack. Fuck Jax. Brian's okay. Fuck Rachel. Fuck Madison. Fuck everyone. I think it's time to make a scene. It's time to rise above, and take revenge. Wait is it rising above if you fuck with someone, or if you don't? Fuck it. Revenge is rising above today.

When class ends, the clicking of my heels rings throughout the first floor hallway as I search for someone to take down. The unsettling lighting and fingerprint coated walls,
churns the insides of my stomach. I'm done with being the nice guy(Although according to Rachel, I'm not the nice guy but WHAT-FUCKING-EVER). I can feel a flurry of bitches, cunts, and skanks, building up in my throat, begging to be unleashed.
Conner sits leaning up against a locker. And I falter, the emotion coming to a boil, before all the memories with Conner show themselves. I can't do this to him. I can't do this to him. I can't do this to him. I can't do this to him. He doesn't deserve this. But no he does deserve this. No he doesn't. He does. He doesn't. He does. HE DOESN'T!

I should be turning right now. Heading towards him, but instead I keep walking. Right out the door of the school. No one tries to stop me, so I don't bother stopping either.