It was always you

Chapter 12

-2001-

We looked everywhere. We checked every bar, every club and stripclub in the area but there was no sign of Taylor anywhere. As time passed by I got more and more worried about him. Especially since his drinking had started to spin out of control lately. I was sure he was experimenting with drugs too. It was not ideal for him to be alone in the state he had been in when he left us. The lump in my stomach grew. I blamed myself that he was lost, if I hadn't called that meeting he would still be with me. If I had chosen him when he asked me to, he would still be with me. If I had run after him when he had disappeared from the room he would still be with me. But now he wasn't, he was lost, and it was my fault.

"We have searched everywhere Dave..." Nate said in a low voice

"We can't stop!" I said desperately "We need to find him!"

"Dave...." Nate said and I knew that he was exhausted.

"I have to find him...!"

"Dave let's go back to the hotel. He's probably there already. And if he isn't, that'll be the place he'll return to..." Nate said.

"I can't just leave him alone." I said

"He will come back Dave, when he's ready." Nate continued "Come on now... Let's go back to the hotel."

I didn't answer. I stood frozen. I knew he was right. London was a big place and we had no idea where he was. But I couldn't just go back and sit and wait. Searching made me feel like I was doing something at least.

"Look" Chris finally spoke "How about you and Nate go back to the hotel and wait for him there and I'll go look a bit more? Would that be ok Dave?"

I thought for a second. Then I nodded in silence.

"Ok then." Nate said "Let's go back to the hotel. Call us if you hear something or if you find him Chris"

"Yeah. You know it." Chris said and started to walk down the street while me and Nate hailed a cab to take us back to the hotel.

*

It was almost 5 in the morning when I was woken up by my phone buzzing in my hand. We had got back to the hotel and there had been no sign of Taylor anywhere. No one had seen him. Me and Nate had gone back to his and Chris' room because I couldn't stand seeing Taylor's empty bed. At first I just couldn't sleep, but I had finally dozed off on the sofa. The phone in my hand was still buzzing and Nate was still snoring in his bed. I looked at the screen and could see it was Chris calling. The lump in my stomach turned as I clicked on the screen to answer the call.

"Yeah..." I said as I answered.

"Dave...?" I heard Chris' deep voice on the other end.

"Yes it's me..."

"We found him Dave...." Chris said and there was something in his voice that made my whole body go cold.

"Ok..."

"He's in bad shape Dave. He's in the ambulance going to the hospital now. They think.... they think he overdosed Dave..." Chris' voice didn't really hold as he spoke and something inside me cracked, like a glass that shattered to the floor. It was like I took a step back and watched myself sitting on the sofa, holding the phone. It was like watching someone else, but I knew that it was me. This could not be happening. It was just a cruel joke wasn't it? Or maybe I was still sleeping and it was a part of a nightmare?

As seconds, or maybe minutes, passed I slowly realised that it was real, that I was awake and that this was actually happening to me. I felt numb and cold. I was unable to move or speak. It felt like my heart had stopped but also raced at the same time. I couldn't get any oxygen. I felt short of breath. Was I breathing? Or was I holding my breath? I didn't know....