𝐒𝐈𝐆𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒 » 𝐸𝑁𝐷𝐺𝐴𝑀𝐸

*IMPORTANT MESSAGE*

So, here's the stitch for my absence. It's only been six weeks of school and things are already crazy tough. The second week of school I transferred to another high school, thinking it would be better for me. A good experience and the high school was rated pretty high in academics.

The first days were extremely hard for me because I had been at my old school since I was 5. That place held many memories and good friends. I cried for a whole week. I had left that all behind. The high school gave me tons of work without a care. My grades dropped and I was extremely distracted.

Long story short, I only lasted three weeks before my mother snapped and sent me back to my old school. The return wasn't as great as I thought.

Here's why:

In the summer, I started with Heart Palpitations. As in my heart rate would quicken or slow down randomly during the day. At night I would also get it. I would shake like crazy and felt like throwing up the whole time. I wouldn't get any sleep.

I did my research and read that it was signs of Physical Anxiety.

I didn't accept it.

I hadn't told my mother about my condition either. She is those moms where she's at the point where she just doesn't believe me anymore. I didn't want to push it.

Entering school, my heart randomly raced again while I was calmly chatting with my best friends. For the rest of the day I felt weak. I had a headache and my body was shaking a lot. I couldn't even hold my pencil.

I shrugged that time too.

Another incident happened very recent. I was in stomach pain in the morning. I headed to the nurse during lunch to call my mom for some food.

When I finished I headed back to class. Before I arrived, my heart pounded so hard! I started shaking again and I felt extremely overwhelmed. I still went to class because I was already behind in my work and I wasn't going to let it stop me.

Of course, I didn't survive.

Just as I sat down, I felt like passing out. I ran out of the classroom and shut myself in the restroom to cry my eyes out.

I felt so disappointed of myself. I hated that my condition was stopping me from my work. I am a very dedicated person in my studies, I didn't want this to be an excuse.

I went to my next class, people bombarded me with questions and I couldn't even give them a smile of reassurance.

Everyone, but my best friends asked. The ones I came back for.

I ran out of that class too. I thought I was finally stabilized but it turns out I wasn't.

The principal caught me in the way as I ran because I couldn't speak. I made it to the nurse and one of my moms friends that works there saw me as well.

She sat down and told me to explain what was going on.

She instantly related with me and gave me to news that it DID sound like anxiety.

I still couldn't accept it.

I've never believed in anxiety or depression. Well, not that I didn't believe it, more like I thought it would never happen to me. I never felt like I stress out. Just outbursts here and there but never major. I've always been a very happy girl who makes jokes and laughs at everything to avoid any sadness.

Looks like I've been trying to hard.

I admitted that I am going through anxiety for no reason.

After I cried my eyes out. I was drained completely. I felt myself grow.....emotionless.

My best friends came at me, asking why I was skipping class.

Like REALLY?! You think I'm fucking SKIPPING! I didn't tell them what I was going through. I knew they would just look at me like just another suffering little girl.

This morning I woke up......depressed. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. I couldn't keep a smile on my face. I really felt nothing.

It was like I had used up all my happiness.

Now folks, this hit me hard because once again.....I don't like going through this. I never thought I was capable because my life is not hard. I can not compare mine to those who actually struggle. Those people have a reason.

I don't.

I shouldn't have this physical anxiety.

My other problem is that I've felt pretty distant with my closest friends. I came back and they looked at me differently.

I am an extremely emotional person. I care about the ones around me very much. Everyone is like family to me, no matter how much I hate you. They mean everything to me and if they are distant with me, it's like a piece of my soul is being torn apart.

It happened again today and the rest of my day was fairly easy.

That's my life update.

I'm sorry once again.

Goodbye and I will try my best.