A Time for Love

Day 14

I sit by the window looking out to the grounds with my needlework in hand. Mrs. Elizabeth has somehow convinced me to start it out. I've had a friend before who also tried to convince me to do this, but it was really boring. Now, it is the most relaxing and calming thing to do to chase away my tormenting thoughts. 

None of those people deserved to die. Maybe they were right, maybe the olden days were really golden. Maybe this was a time where all the good men had gone - dying on the battlefield to prevent chaos. They are the reason democracy has had a future, and we have every reason to live everyday beholden to their sacrifice. 

I see Edward walking over the hills. I rush from my chair, and the maid gasps as I run out the door. I run into his arms, and he clasps me to him. 

It isn't right - to want and cherish somebody I can never fully love. I know what it is like. Knew the truth of those one night stands - the two that raped me, the one 3 I reluctantly enjoyed, and the others whose names and faces I can no longer remember. I try to move out of his arms at the thought of this, but he firmly hugs me. 

"It appears that you missed me after all" he says, smiling. 

I swallow hard, a few tears dripping down my cheeks. Damn it. I know I am better than this.

"I shouldn't" I say. 

"Why?"

I want to crawl into a hole right here and now, to sink inside of myself and forget myself in the comfort of sheets - away from thoughtless worry.

"I'm not a good woman" I say.

"If that's true, I'm not a good man either" he laughs. 

I huff frustratedly.

"I'm being honest" he laughs. "Do you really want to know all that I've done? Cause I can tell you."

"The thing is" I say, "I'd rather stay away from men my whole life, then fill myself with more regret. I use people to fill the hole inside of me. When I get close to someone, I end up finding their weaknesses. I get codependent and self-destructive, and I destroy what's left of the relationship until they stop talking to me. Then they are glad that I'm gone, and use my previous existence in their life to tell themselves what not to look for. I don't deserve a real relationship. I don't even want one" I say. "I've been better able to handle my lief when I'm alone. I deal with crippling anxiety, loneliness, and insomnia; but having a man turns me into a heart-pounding mess that can't do anything for herself."

"You've been taught to think that you are the problem. The wrong men have blamed you for this" he says.

"That's not entirely true. There was this one guy - Steve. I thought he was my soulmate. I was full of dreams about him, and they made me think selfishly that when he moved back in town that he was coming back for me and..."

He grabs my wrists. Tears flow from my eyes.

"It was just sex. My body filled a need for him. She demanded respect. He didn't mistreat her. I look back and realize that I was not only uglier than her, but incredibly insecure..."

He kisses me. Biting and sucking at my lips. They feel numb at his supplication. 

"Stop crying sweetheart. Stop."

"Why?"

"I just need you to stop crying" he says. "Please."

He holds me like that until I stop crying, then he lets go of me. 

"Besides" he says, "I can think of worse people. Like Ernest's wife. She disappeared with all his money and left him with the kids again."

"What?"

"Get this" he says, "Her real name the whole time was Jade Lu."

My head hurts. That's just a coincidence... isn't it?

"She left something. I was wondering if you knew what it was."

He pulls out of his bag - a dead iPhone 6.

My mouth opens from shock, and then shuts.

"You know what it is" he says.

"No" I lie.

Already punishing myself for my earlier confession, it hurts again to lie to him. Perhaps, if he knew I was lying, he too would feel betrayed just like Ernest. He would put me into custody, or worse: an insane asylum.

"That's really weird" I say. 

Then we move onto lighter topics.

...

It was that night I planned on finding that phone. Edward had casually left his bag open in the kitchen, perhaps as a trick. When I snatch the bag, I rush quietly to my room and shut the door. I empty the contents onto the floor. There's a record that falls out - it has the Beatles on it. 

Edward probably already suspected with two items, let alone one Perhaps it is a message from Jade to me, to let me know that she knows what I am.

I go to touch the record. All too quickly, the lights flicker, followed by a roaring noise.

"Cecile!" yells Edward. He's heard me, and he's pounding on the door. 

I am already gone.