A Time for Love

Day 12

Tonight has been the worst night of my life, and that is no exaggeration! I woke up to the sounds of bombs dropping. 

I remembered, crawling out of bed, that it was the Blitzkrieg. What an idiot I was, but chastising myself was no good. If I waited too long, I would be too late. 

I ran out of my apartment with others. We had to run 4 blocks before we found the Tube and crammed ourselves in. I saw so many women struggling with their kids or struggling with the elderly; and I haven't seen them since I've arrived. Then again, we've had to cram ourselves away from the entrance in tight spaces as more and more people have arrived. 

I didn't bring anything but my purse and my notebook - for some reason, these were the only things I thought of before coming out of my front door. 

I guess I've been trying to justify myself as being better than these people. My "superiority" isn't close at all to the truth. I felt so lonely here and didn't see the point. 

Let's get real here - I don't feel pretty enough. Every time I think of Amber's cute and pudgy face, I hate my own. I am drawn to certainty that most, if not all my problems have stemmed from being unattractive, and therefore - having nothing important to say. Somedays I've convinced myself I am over Steve. I'm hanging out in the park, watching an attractive man go by, and see him scowl at me. It's as if my presence reminds him of his mother waiting for him to settle down - as if my face is the reminder to him that he hasn't found the person he ant sot be with yet. 

I'm jealous of this time period, and that's really stupid too. I've somehow convinced myself that the men back in this time period were perfect, because they were young before women begun to burn their bras in the 70's. That, being thrown into war and not knowing if they'd ever see each other again, these couples' hearts rang true and their women would remain loyal. I've been confused - been told that my college education was brainwashing, been surrounded by married cousins, and aunts that would cook casseroles. With Christian self-help books. With Cognitive Behavioral therapy. Been convinced that I need to become a women devoted to duty and without desire. Not knowing that the people around me, and the people around me now are scared. Nobody has the answers, everyone is just trying to do their best.

There's an old man laying against the wall cross from me, holding his wife's hand, while creating a crook in his arm for her to rest on. There are young lovers who were caught unaware from an obvious tryst, staring at the older couple to figure out if this is what they would someday be. There are kids running around - including one fretful mother who is fretting to keep her son under control as the roof shakes overhead from the blasts. He and the other boys keep yelling "Boom!" and squealing at each blast, much to the annoyance of those around them. 

People are murmuring among themselves now as the bombs become louder and stronger. A loud blast hits a part of the Tube miles down. There is the sound of screams, and the light flicker out.