The rantings of my mind, are a place few dare to go, perspectives ever changing it's hard to define, exactly who i am.
I suppose, i should start at the begining?
If i go back i can remember you,
Laying on the floor convulsing before my eyes.
Too young to understand what the seizing meant,
Flash through my mind back to a time,
Reverse it all and rewind,
too young to understand it wasn't me you needed.
"Don't leave me alone here,
Mommy please don't go"
Selfish that i pleaded you to stay,
How much better would your life have been,
Without my burdens?
Fall on my safe place, and i was only holding you back,
I will never be what you wanted,
Just an anchor you couldn't cast off.
You should've left me in the system.
If i could change it all I'd set you free,
Let you live the life you were meant to,
If i could change it all I'd get rid of me,
Maybe then you could have been happy?
Sorry i suppose, that i held you down so long.
The system..
There are worse places to be,
2 1/2 years is but a blink in our eyes, not long enough to cause any real damage - right?
At Least that's what i tell her when i see her in my mind.
A kind lie to forget the pain. Kind - like God?
And i can say with exact certainty,
The moment i stopped believing in you.
I can tell you the moment i realized that not everything they tell us is true.
The moment that everything that was once bright and shiny - grew dim, blackened in the vast reach of his shadow, until i finally understood, exactly what it means to sin.
And in that moment i just let go.
I let go of all belief in you,
suddenly everything looked dull,
In comparison to the light of believing you were true.
In that moment my soul was shattered, my very being crushed beneath the weight,
The moment I stopped praying,
For it was far easier to believe that you do not exist, then believe you could be as cruel as him.
I could never let you see that though could I?
After all you were already so broken, shattered in the remains of losing your own mother,
the drugs may have kept you from seeing the image of her hanging there, but i still saw the damage it did.
I still watched you convulse on the floor.
How could I tell you your worst fear?
I could not bear the thought of losing you again, better to not give you a reason to go back to that monster, which tore your mind away so easily.
