Neko / Mythical Journal #2

Oh yay

Just had a mental breakdown, fun. I don't really wanna talk about it but I think it'd be better if I did.

I usually bottle up my emotions and always try to smile and make jokes, I want to try and brighten people's days so they might not cry like I probably will. I always think I'm just trying to be special when I'm not, and after a conversation I always think they're judging me or think I'm incompetent because of my age

I'm unschooled and i sometimes let my self think about how I bet every other kid on my grade knows way more than me and baking isn't a skill, all you have to do is follow instructions

It's always after I had a conversation I dwell over it for longer than I should even days after I think think back at how "oh I should've done this" "this was stupid they probably think I'm childish and I don't understand anything now"

I also constantly doubt my ability to be a good friend whenever I think back (in real life I often like to make jokes about dark things or about a person but in a friendly manner) and think that I was being bad and toxic and I should be better. And after almost every conversation with someone that isn't family I think about it and stress about it

I just sometimes want the world to go away.

Sometimes I doubt why I wanted to be a mythical and think that's it's just because I want to be a special snowflake and any time I think that I want to do something or I am something that isn't the most common or normal thing I think "I don't really think I'm that or want to do that. I'm just trying to be a special snowflake, and not live a boring life like I know I am going to, and work in a boring office all day"

Think about my sexuality and wonder about that? Oh no I'm just being a special snowflake says my mind.

I don't usually talk about stuff like this and I'm sorry if you didn't want to listen to my vent but I just felt like it'd be best to actually tell someone about my issues instead of just letting them bottle up until I go into the bathroom and cry until my face feels numb and my legs are shaking and I want the world to go away.

Sorry, I know I have barely any issues and i shouldn't stress about them and it's stupid because some people have it way worse than me I shouldn't be upset over someone judging me.
-Mossy🍃