hobbledehoy

Thoughts Can Destroy You

I slowly made my way back to my dorm that night.

The headache I had earlier was beginning to come back, so I searched my bathroom for some Ibuprofen.

My hands began shaking, and my legs felt like jelly. I've gotten blinding headaches my whole life. And one thing I know that always comes along with the headaches is the thoughts. It's a time where my mind opens up, and every bad, dark, sensual, sad thought comes strolling out and leaves me alone to obsess and act on them.

I started washing my hands, rewashing, rewashing.

"Dammit, dammit..." I scolded myself.

I force my hands away from the water and clutch both sides of the sink as I gaze into the mirror. I ripped off my glass and tossed them away—my eyes were bloodshot, bright red.

I tore away again and marched into my living room.

Images of horrific things I could do to myself and others flashed through my mind like a slide show, and I sunk to the floor, a prisoner to my thoughts.

I tried to remember what my Therapist use to say to me when I was younger... "Tell yourself it's just the OCD, Hyrum, just your brain feeding you false images..."

"It's not me... It's not me..." I repeated, squeezing my eyes shut, "I would never hurt anyone...I would never touch anyone.."

Yes you would... A voice, that was not mine, said. You would hurt, fight, touch, rip apart a girl, and you would like it. You would like it.

"NO! Get out of my head!" I cry out, but I could still see her. Just a girl. lying in a dark room. Covered in blood, and only pieces of cloth covering the parts of her body I had no business looking at.

I sunk lower, until I was laying on my side, hugging my knees to my chest.

No matter what I do... No matter how hard I try... I try to get better. To hide it. But I always seem to end up where I started... Broken and alone.

An itch travels down my body, so I work my way out of my sweater, and then I kicked my jeans off. Now I was cold. So weak, and scrawny, why should I even try?

And I stayed still. I couldn't fight it anymore. So I let my brain feed me the false images, the violence, the pain, the darkness, and things I know I would never do to anyone. And I let hot tears roll down my face, and I didn't try to stop them.

Help.

Because now I'm just drowning in misery.

The demons inside of me are tearing me apart.

My own thoughts haunt me.... there is no mercy.

The monsters in my head... Yes, they are driving me insane. But without their relentless torment, racking, and torture, I feel empty inside. I really do. And numb, so I suppose its better to feel all the mental agony and misery, than to not feel anything at all...

And now I'm tired. Not just my mind, but my whole body. My heart too, it aches for some sense of peace. But no one cares, no one can or will help me.

I'm just another pointless soul on this earth. But that's okay... I'm just tired.

How do you kill the demons inside of you, without killing yourself?

I've always wondered that.