hobbledehoy

What's Wrong With You?

There are days where I really have no control. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Some days I just can't do it.

I woke up at 4:30AM the next morning, nightmares haunted my head and I couldn't back to fall back asleep.

I clean when I'm stressed, or afraid. I don't even remember starting, but I'm sure I had been cleaning down the dorm; because I ended up in the corner of my bedroom, scrubbing the tips of my fingers with a rag.

I was shaking hard, but it wasn't cold. I felt so dirty, like a thick coat of muck was covering me, and I just had to get it off.

But my phone rang before I could.

I pressed the answer button with my wrist creaset, and put it on speaker.

"Hello?" I asked hoarsely.

"Hyrum?" It was definitely Merlynn, "Are you okay? You sound terrible."

"I'm fine." I snapped.

"Okay... I couldn't sleep, so I thought we could chat, like old times."

"This... This isn't the greatest time. It's like 4, Mer." I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead, a throbbing headache made me groan in agony.

"Hyrum, seriously, what's going on? Do you want me to come over?"

"No! No, it's just a headache, I'm fine." I lied under my breath, I wasn't even sure she heard me.

There wasn't an answer for a long time. I couldn't tell if she had left and forgot to hang up, or she just didn't know what else to say.

"I'm coming over." Merlynn finally replied.

"Merlynn, I just said no--" I started to say, but then the line went dead.

I can't believe she hung up on me.

But what could I do... Merlynn only listens to herself.

There was no way she'd take me serious, not when I'm like this; a mess, am emotional wreck. Scared...

I smashed the back of my head against the wall, again and again, it wasn't a smart decision--but I didn't know what else to do.

I was panicking.

My hands shook as I raised them to my face and wiped the sweat from my brow.

"Hyrum?" Merlynn knocked on my front door, and it made me think she must've ran here, "Let me in!"

I struggled to get back onto my feet, because my head was in so much pain, and I was seeing things I had to tell myself weren't real.

I wiped my hands down on my pants, because they were sweating as hard as the rest of my body.

Bodies are so gross, always spurting out liquid without asking permission.

I swear I didn't mean that in a inappropriate way, I just--never mind, forget it...

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Her non-stop knocking was making my headache worse.

I unlocked my three chains, two bolts and then the actual doorknob.

And the minute I opened the door, Merlynn flew into my arms.

Just like I had always dreamed.

I mean, usually I had dreamt she had done so naked and--okay, shut up now, buddy.