Mesperyian

Barely Holding On

  I wake up to the sound of the door opening, Lana walks in and I move to the side so that she can sit. But she shakes her head and stands at the foot of the bed, the door opens again and I cant see who walked in because Lana is standing in my way but as soon as he moved my body went stiff and I started to panic, my body was ready to run but my heart and brain was telling me I was safe, that I could stay. I was gonna end up crazy, I had a choice to make but I wasnt ready.

It didnt matter though, because they weren't giving me a choice I have nowhere to run I cant go in the bathroom because the door is right next to him and I cant leave because his blocking the entrance. I let a sob out letting them know I don't like this. And Lana's head snaps to me. She has a frown plastered on her face, her eyebrows raised and her head low making her look innocent, but I know she knew he was coming, probably let him come in, but why.

My questions are soon answered. Alpha speaks up and I flinch at the deep raspy voice that at some point made me want to ride him day and night but right now all it does is scare me, I know deep down he wont really hurt me, but my body has yet to get used to being around men.

"I'm sorry I'm putting you in this position baby, I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable but I dont think I can wait, I've been waiting for you to be ready, for you to not push me away. For you to want me but I cant keep waiting knowing they did something to you, knowing they hurt you only makes me want to be close, call it a selfish move, or a desperate one but I need to be here, I need to know you're ok I need to make sure nothing happens to you Mesperyian. So please, please for once in the 6 years that I've known you dont push me away."

I dont know how he did it but he came closer to me, he took the necessary steps to be close enough to look at me properly but far enough to not be able to touch me.

"May I please?" He questions and when I look up his pointing at the chair next to the bed. I guess he can see my hesitation because he tries to make it better.

"I wont attempt to touch you, and if Lana leaves the room so will I. I'll do anything you want but please let me be here for you. Please, I need this, and I know I'm making it about me but I cant stand being on the sidelines anymore baby. I love you to much to let you go through this on your own."

I hear those magical three words on repeat in my head over and over, I've been wanting this for so long, but now, now I dont know what I want.

I begging crying and move away from the chair letting him sit, Lana moves to sit at my other side and grabs my hand trying to help but its gonna take more than that. After taking his seat Alpha lays his arms on the railing and his head sideways on his arm making him look smaller and innocent, giving me the urge to run my hand through his hair. But I cant do that as much as I really want to my body is begging me to move away, to find somewhere safe to be away from them.

But if his here and I'm not screaming, if he is here and I'm not crying, then maybe just maybe all I needed was a push, maybe I was ready, maybe I've been ready just like my heart has been saying. Maybe all I need is him.

I reached out my hand to brush his hair out of his eyes and he closes them smiling softly, just before my hand makes contact with his hair i stop.

What are you doing, if you let him in, if you let them in its gonna happen again. Dont do this to yourself. There will be no one else to blame but you.

My skin starts to burn I can feel a lump form in my throat making it harder to breath. I have to do this, if not now then when. His eyes are still closed his arms still on the frame and his head on his arms. I take a deep breath and move my hand, my fingers graze his forehead making his smile grow a little. I run my fingers under his hair and move my hand up combing his hair back. I relise a breath but dont remove my hand.