Mesperyian

Organizing / Feelings

  On our way to the house I remembered Vegas and I weren't done organizing the babys room so the plan is to feed Kaedy and get to organize as much as possible before bedtime and if the room is not ready I'm gonna have to have her sleep with me for the night wich might have happened anyways cause let's be honest I'm not trying to make that walk 3 to 4 times during the night.

"Penny for your thoughts." Kevin says breaking me out of my concentrated argument with myself.

"Nothing important, trying to decide where Kaedy will be sleeping tonight." I say not really paying attention to the fact that we were already at the house but keeping my eyes on Kaedy who is happily sleeping in her carseat next to me. She looks so small in there I can't belive I made her I carried her 8 months inside me and she turned out to be so beautiful.

"What do you mean does she not have a crib yet?" He asks me wich makes me look up from my baby girl to him.

"Yes she does but her room is a mess I bought all her stuff the day before yesterday and didnt get a chance to put most of it away." When u finished my sentences I glanced out the window and saw we were in my drive way and started to gather my things as I opened the door.

"I can stay and help. But I think it's best that she sleep in your room for her first month or two so that its easier on you." He says and gets out of the car and comes around to help me with my things. I go to grab Kaedy but he swats my hand away and grabs the carseat aswell while telling me to open the door to the house.

"Yeah that's what I thought too but I dont know, I think she needs her own space. Atleast for during the day." I say while he walks in and I close the door behind me then follow him to the livingroom with the intention of saying bye but when I get there he is already on the sofa with Kaedy on his arm.

"Would you like me to get some lunch and then I can help you set her room up. Or I can do it while you take a nap and shower, you most be tierd." He says and I quickly shake my head at him.

"No, Kevin, you are not obligated to do that you already did to much for me and I'm thankful but, we are not your responsibility." I say while looking down at my hands that lay interlocked on my lap. He shuffles a little and I look up to see he has taken his shoes of and is now laying on the couch resting his head on the armrest with my baby on his chest.

"I know your not. But I love you both so much that I dont want anyone else taking care of you. I want to do it Ally, I want to be here for the both of you. Like I said before and I'll say it as many times as I have to until you get it." When he finishes talking he looks at me and our eyes meet. My lip trembled a little and by the expression his face took I know he saw it.

  "I'm so scared Kevin." I say while he puts Kaedy back in her carseat and moves to kneel infront of me. "I'm scared to fail, I'm scared of not getting better, I'm scared of getting better and this happening again, I'm scared to live, I'm just so frightened Kevin."

His hands rub up and down my thighs  warming them up making me feel comfortable.

"Are you scared of me?" He questions and it takes me a minute to decide how to answer his question with out getting his hopes up.

"No, but I'm also not sure I love you the way you love me." I say knowing where he was gonna go with this.

"That's the fear talking Mesperyan, that's not you, you know how you feel, you know what you want, but your scared. And thats ok baby. It is perfectly ok to be scared after what you've been through. It is perfectly ok to not want to move on. But it's not ok to stay like that for ever." His hands are now cupping my face wiping away my tears.

"He did all these things to me Kevin, he used me, he touched me, he grabbed and pulled and just did to me what he wanted when he wanted. He let them look at me, and when he wasnt there they would touch me Kevin. I waited for you." My voice was now raising I was getting angry.