Mesperyian

Harder Than It Sounds

   They say to heal a wounded soul you need someone who has gone through the same or similar events. Some other soul that had been wounded and managed to heal. But what happens to the first soul that had been wounded? Who was there to help? How did he or she manage to heal.

And that's where you know that is not true, yes it's better if you have someone to understand and support you on your time of need. But not everyone what's the help. Some of us need to do this on our own.

Kevin and Lana had been there for me the first time, they helped me move on from the events, they pushed me to get better. But did the wounds ever actually heal? Was I ever fully recovered? And if I was why would I punish myself in the ways that I did? Why torture myself mentally? And most importantly why push away the only 2 people that know exactly what had happend and still loved and cared enough to help me get better.

I felt something cold land on my stomach jerking me out of my thoughts. The doctor places a wand and started to spread the gel around after a couple of seconds I heard it. It was fast but strong, steady, fierce, perfect. It was the heartbeat of the creature growing inside me. It was the sound of the heart that I had created to give this child of mine life, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. It was hope, it filled me up with faith and wanting. It gave me the final push. It decided for me that it was time to stop cowardly hiding from what had happen.

"Listen to that, that's a very healthy beating heart." The doctor says while looking at the monitor and pressing some buttons on the machine.

"I'm gonna take some pictures and measurements, in the mean time why dont you decide if you want to know what the baby is?" She says and turns her head to smile at me.

I lay my head back on to Kevin's chest and close my eyes I can hear the baby's heart going at a steady beat but I can feel Kevin's beating hard and fast as if it was trying to make an escape, a very loud one that is. He rest his forhead on the crown of my head and inhales making me cringe at the loud sound he makes while doing so.

"Do you want to find out?" He asks into my hair not lifting his head. I want to answer but I also want to enjoy the moment. I never really knew if I wanted kids I wasnt really sure of it, but now that I know it's there now that I can hear its heartbeat my heart wants to leap in joy, I know the way it was conceived wasnt the way it should have been, I know it will never meet its biological father, but it's also my child its atleast half of me and that is something that makes me want it, makes me want to keep it safe, makes me want to protect it. But how can I do that when I can barely protect myself.

"I would love to know, if that's ok with you baby, I really want to know. You dont have to if your not ready. But if you allow it I would love for the doctor to tell me." Kevin says as he moves his head to my shoulder and nestles himself there while rubbing circles on my sides, keeping me calm and in a state of bliss. This should have been different, this should be our child not only mine.

"Why?" I ask after opening my eyes and looking at the monitor where I can clearly see the baby sucking its thumb. "Why do you want to know?"

He pulled away and moves a little so that he can look me in the eyes his left hand cups the back of my head and then he rest his forhead on mine.

"I already told you, I love you Ally, and this baby is part of you, and if you allow me i want to be part of both of your lives. I know that I'm not gonna be your boyfriend today or tomorrow, friends is ok with me for now but I want to be here in anyway that you allow me to be." He says with his eyes closed, making me want to cry and smile at the same time. He is being so affectionate. He had never been this affectionate before, he wouldnt allow himself to fell and now here he is holding me, displaying his feeling both fiscally and verbally. I was being bathed in as much love as I pleased.