The Only Reason (Muke)

Chapter 5

Michael's POV

After we came back to our house I made sure Luke went to bed.

I will get away from Luke as much as possible, yes I'm still going to care for him, I will check his wrists every night just like always, but I'm just afraid of getting lost in those blue eyes, I'm afraid of not being good enough, I don't want to ruin him,  He doesn't need me. He never will, and I'm thankful for that. So when I'm gone, it won't hurt him as much.

5 reasons why I should do this?

1. He deserves someone better than me

2. I don't want to hurt him

3. I shouldn't feel this way about him

4. I'm a fuck up and ugly

5. I'm worthless and I won't live long, I'll make sure of it.

Who would go for me anyways? I'm just a weird fat guy with issues. Of course no one would ever see anything in me, and nobody will ever see me differently than I see myself, which as you know, is terrible.

How can someone love me when I can't even love myself? Therefore I will forever be alone. The difference in my forever is that my forever is short, I don't want to live, I really don't. I never have, never will. I've been alive only for the fans and for the boys, specially Luke, but they don't need me. They can move on, meet someone else and replace me in the band, and our friendship, they'll still be famous and incredible without me. Luke will find a beautiful girl and they will get married and have kids and an amazing future together, so will Calum and Ashton. And I will be forgotten.

My heart will stop beating and everyone will go on with their life without looking back, never to be remembered, no one will remember the "Happy" stupid Michael Clifford. My grave unvisited, isolated from all human kind. That is the only road I will ever have, the road of loneliness upon the shining bright sky, or as it used to be. I will be forgotten. In my stone some casual words about how "happy" or how "nice" perhaps, how "special" I was, will be printed on the front and will slowly fade away with time, disappearing completely from this beautifully disastrous planet just like I will. What a beautilly chaotic mess.

After I made sure everyone was asleep, alone in my room, I grabbed the razor with a piece of paper wrapped around it that I tuck inside my journal where I write my songs. I won't admit this but I've recently finished a song that I'm actually proud of. I started writing it the day after Luke admitted everything, that he wasn't okay.

The way I'm sneaking out, hiding from everyone, reminds me of the day Luke told me everything. Yes, I'm weak and couldn't take it. I still can't take it. My life hasn't been exactly perfect either, nor a fairy tale, not at all. No one knows the true story behind the dude that wears a lot of bracelets, that dyes his hair constantly, that famous guy that is funny and laughs all the time, the "happy" Michael Clifford. Not Luke, not anyone knows except god, and the people that actually do know, the people that caused my pain, and still haunt me from the memories replaying in my head, slowly breaking everything inside of me, and stepping over and over again on the already shattered pieces of the complete heart I once had.

Funny I can't remember a day that my heart was complete and full, no cracks. Full of love. Not that I care, I've gotten used to it. It's been a while.

With soft footsteps, I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. It's time to forget, to numb my feelings. To take control.

It's time to forget that I'm completely alone.

Luke's POV

I squirmed a bit when I felt a streak of sunlight hit my face and I fluttered my eyes open. My head was hurting slightly, I don't ever get a real hangover no matter how much I drink, Calum gets really bad ones,and  Ashton just wakes up with a throbbing head but it quickly goes away.

I sit up looking around and see that no one's here, and there's no sound. Everyone's asleep, and I don't remember much from yesterday, actually I don't remember anything but me asking Michael if he had relapsed or something like that, I don't even remember what he answered, he wouldn't. I know he wouldn't hurt me like that. Shit,Please tell me I didn't say anything stupid. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Shit, what?" I look up to see Calum leaning on the doorway with crossed arms, furrowed eyebrows and messy hair. Was I thinking out loud? Happens most of the time.

"Um. Nothing.. Why don't you have a devastating hangover like always?" I ask trying to distract him with a fake smile.

"I didn't get drunk asshole," he retorted.

"Me? Why am I always the asshole?" I pout,

"You know you are," he laughed walking over and sitting next to me on the bed.

"Not to be rude or anything but Why are you here in the first place?" I asked. "Because I can," He joked

"Calum," I said in a warning voice making him know I was serious.

"Fine.. Um.. It's about Michael, I think there's something wrong with him," he answered with a serious face.

"What? Why?" I rushed loudly immediately freaking out.

If something happened to Michael there would be nothing left to live for. He cares for me, and I don't care if he doesn't like me the way I like him as long as I have him.

"Calm down Luke I just think he, um I think he's not okay," he said with concern in his voice.

"How Calum? Explain yourself for god's sake," I pleaded with desperation

"Fuck I, Um I well I think he's cut-" He was having trouble letting the words out and before he could finish the sentence, the silence of the house is disturbed by the front door slamming loudly.

"Michael," Calum whispered to himself with wide eyes before shaking his head and running down the stairs opening the front door and closing it behind him leaving me behind. I quickly run and put my shoes on not caring if it's 2 pm and I'm in pajamas.

If there's something wrong with Michael I will do whatever it takes to fix it.