Summer With A Chance Of Love

Chapter 15: Help me feel human again

Three days past, three days of not feeling anything. How does a person supposed to feel again? Why was all this happening to me? Why does no one understand it? Angie swears up and down that she understands. Deep down i want call bullshit, i dont want to say that but its the fucking truth. It feels like im trapped inside of a fucking void of endless hope. No matter how hard I try , it always happens to me. He comes over and has his way with me and then I can't say anything. Its like i can speak about. Sometimes I wish that I could be like taylor. He is gone most of the week because of college. It keeps reminding me that i should go back to that fucking river and just try to drown myself again. I felt him inside of me and i feel disgusted and repulsed by the idea of this. I try not to think of anything other than him finishing inside of me. When he finally does finishes up I looked at him, as he buttons up his pants and then leaves as I lay there waiting to hear the door close before i start to cry. Everything in my body hurts, everything in my muscles, my mindset felt like it was fucked. Ever since i was brought back from the hospital, it's been like this. My mom and her bf are moving in with each other, so that means I have to worry about this happening almost everyday. I have to worry about him entering my room every single night coming in here and having his fucking way with me and the worst part is that i can even say it. Every time that I think that I could have a chance of being healed from this pain again it happens again. Thank god that this weekend i'm leaving with angie or else i think that i would be in major pain and never healing from it all. Just as i looked outside I saw taylor. I hadn't talked to him since that day that I was in the hospital. Sometimes i wish that i could have the strength to just finally say something that is more than just me stumbling over my words. Taylor is someone that i like so much that I don't want to end everything before I could even have a chance to express my feelings for him. I looked down at my hands still trembling from what happened earlier. I wanted to run and cry and never looked back at this house again, but i had to face the facts that i'm here for another year. One more year, of this if i can even take it all. I looked away from the window, as I looked at my bathroom and saw the blade that was just sitting on the edge of the sink. As much as the urge was there I looked at it with a hope of it making me feel better. It was as if this blade could sit here and make me feel something else other than this fucking pain that i feel. Before i could go in there and grab it someone came into my room I looked with a worried face. I was hoping that it was not him wanting to do it again. That is another thing that has happened was how he now increases it to sometimes twice daily as if once wasn't enough. It was not until I saw that it was just angie and justin that entered the room.

"Seriously you should be getting dressed now come on now" angie said to him as she looked at me with hopeful eyes that she could get me out of this mood that I was in. I looked at justin as he just stood there. Watching me, it made me feel awkward being there right there in front of justin. At the same time I knew that he would protect angie and myself if he came into the room. I looked down as I wished that I could just have one moment alone with the blade that was sitting there on my sink. I shook off whatever it was that I was wanting to do.

"When did you even get here?" I asked her, she looked at me with that signature look of hers.

"I texted you yesterday to be ready at the trip at 11? do not tell me you forgot about that?" she asked me as i looked at her and then shook my head no. I wanted to tell her what was going right now but i swallowed with everything I had to not say it and then looked down.

"Well no i just forgot the time" I said with a short but quick voice as she looked at me with eyes like she knew that was something wrong but i would not tell cause justin was here. It was not until she sighed and then looked to justin nodding him to leave. Everything in my wished that I could say it again but I knew that I could not say it.