cut yourself in conversation | gerbert

chapter five

gerard nervously fiddles with the hem of his shirt as he appoaches the local coffee shop. entering into the warm cafè out of the cold, the smell of freshly baked goods and coffee makes his mouth water. glancing around, he sees that bert hasn't arrived yet. gerard takes a seat at a booth in the corner next to the window. he sits anxiously, thinking of how this will go. gerard doesn't go on dates often, especially not with someone who's fully aware of his occupation. yet that doesn't seem to deture bert which only makes gerard all the more attracted to him.

gerard looks over from the window every time he hears the ding of the front door opening. the longer he sits here waiting the more nervous he grows. with another ring gerard glances over and catching eyes with the pretty baby blues of bert. he smiles and walks over, sitting across from him in the booth. "it's freezing out there. thank you for agreeing to this, i'm sure you're busy. how about we order some coffee"

"oh of course, i really wanted too. but i'm not really busy, and you go ahead." gerard smiles. bert calls over the waitress and orders two black coffees anyway, despite gerard saying he doesn't want anything. he does, he just doesn't have the extra to get one. as the waitress leaves gerard looks back to him, raising an eyebrow. bert smiles softly, "it's my treat. i'm taking a guess and you as a black coffee type."

"you guessed correctly. so you're in the army, how long are you on leave for?" gerard asks, relaxing from his tense stare and nerves now that he's warming up to bert. seeing that he isn't acting like an arrogant asshole like previous men in uniform he's met. admiring his pretty smile, the baby blue eyes that just make him melt. how nervous he gets around gerard, which gerard finds the absolute cutest. it's nice being around someone who isn't always aggressive or in charge, but rather just as calm as gerard is.

"i was laid off, i've already served two tours. i get word in a few days, the wait is killing me. but what about you?" bert asks. obviously he has an idea of gerard's living from last week. but he doesn't want to assume too quickly. bert watches as gerard tenses again, his eyes glancing down to his hands that rest in his lap. bert can tell gerard isn't proud or happy with being a sexworker. but everyone has to make a living. he can't imagine how hard it is, especially on the streets of new jersey. not to mention for a guy like gerard.

"i think you know." gerard says after clearing his throat. he's a ashamed of himself. thanks to his 'work', it's really hard for gerard to meeg people. not that he really even needs the distraction of a boyfriend or even friends. it's just that he gets lonely. gerard used to be so happy and full of life, used to be confident. now there's no one he hates more than himself. the disgusting things he has to do just to get by, the vile things he has to say and con.

"yeah i know. it's okay gerard, i don't mind. i don't think you have much of a choice, do you." bert rather states. bert can see right through him. can see the pain that the red head's going through, the self hatred. bert doesn't judge what gerard does, times are tough. it's obvious it isn't gerard's choice to sell himself. though before any response can be given, the waitress approaches with their coffees in hand. setting them on the table and pulling some cream and sugar packets from her apron. bert smiles kindly, paying for the coffee and giving a tip. "thank you."

"gosh i haven't had coffee in so long." gerard hums relaxing back as he sips the warm black coffee. bert smiles seeing gerard content before sipping his own coffee. "so how does your family and spouse feel about your tours? being gone almost all year." gerard asks. wanting to see what he says about the spouse part, testing to see if he's married or not. really hoping not considering last week.

"oh my family is back in utah, they really support me. most of them anyways. but i have no partner. with my work it's really hard to find someone who understands that the job comes first. i mean i love what i do, i love protecting and serving. but it comes with a price." bert explains. gerard understands that, he admires how committed he is to his work. gerard can't help but to think about how good a boyfriend bert would be in general. committed and honorable.

"i get that, i think what you're doing is amazing. i like how dedicated you are. so is it a myth that you can't be gay when in tbe army?" gerard asks curiously. only earning a laugh from bert. "oh i'm sorry, i didn't mean to assume. i just thought because last week- i'm really sorry."

"it's okay, i don't care. i am gay. i mean it's not a good thing for everyone in your squad to know. but luckily for me my best friends are in my platoon, so they accept me. some of them are as well. are you?" bert asks. prostitution doesn't seem to be something gerard enjoys or wants. so bert thinks maybe gerard isn't gay, just has to do what he has to do. even if it's with men.

"that's great, i'm glad they're accepting. and yeah, i'm gay. my brother is very supportive of me." gerard says. chuckling softly as he thinks about his younger brother whose been encouraging him to go out with bert since last week at the diner. mikey's still experimenting, but he's leaning more towards an interest in boys rather than females. which gerard obviously supports, he loves his brother no matter what. they've always had each other, always support and accept each other. especially the position they're in at home.

bert's phone dings on the table. looking, he sighs softly. "i'm sorry i've got to go gerard. do you think i could call you later and we can continue this conversation?"

"yeah yeah of course, you have my number. thank you for the coffee bert." gerard smiles, understanding. bert stands and leaves the cafè. gerard bites his bottom lip, holding back a smile before finishing his coffee and leaving as well. excited to tell mikey about this later.