Diary of A Gay Black Teen (boyxboy)

Losing Myself

I screamed as the man that now claims he's my daddy grabbed me. If he my daddy where the h**l he been all my life. “Calm Down!” He yells laying his hands on me once again. How The H**l Could I be CALM. My life was f*****g worthless. I Needed Jay. I slapped the gun across his face and he hesitated to hit me back but he had no choice as I continually did it. He pinned me on the bed and I cried even louder as I looked over at Jay. “Let me go.”  “When I do will you behave.” He asked.  “F**k U.” I yelled spitting in his face. He let one arm go to wipe his face and I took that chance to forcefully pull myself away. But I was still stuck. As soon as I ran towards the niggas standing at the door they laughed while pushing me down.

“No” I screamed balled up with my head between my legs as they walked towards me. “Bae what's wrong.” Surprised, I looked up and threw myself on Jay. “Why you crying.” Jay asked as I sobbed all over him. “I thought I lost you.” I said in between my loud cry while holding him even tighter. “Chill out! It was just a Dream.” F**k a Dream that was a f*****g nightmare. And it seemed so Real. Can't nobody pay me to go back to sleep tonight. H**l was it night. I slowly pulled away and glanced at the table. The plate that Jakayla brought over was still sitting on the table so none of that s**t happend, even me going to the mall with Chris. I was relieved that it was just a dream but the thought of this s**t really happening scared the h**l out of me. I felt sick to the stomach just thinking about it. “You Okay.” Jay asked grabbing my chin so I could face him. Ignoring his question of concern, I got up and ran to the restroom. I kneeled over the toilet throwing up. I felt Jay place his hand on my back and I did not want him to see me like this. WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH ME!

I didn't even wanna lift my head but I managed to get up. Not looking Jay way, I headed towards the sink and turned the faucet on. I looked down and splashed water in my face and washed my mouth out. “Bae, you okay. ” Jay asked again while grabbing my waist. I jumped as I felt his touch. Letting out a deep breath I turned around and nodded yeah. “Stop lying, you can't even look at me.” “Im fine.” I replied softly still shaken at the thought that I had a dream that he was dead. “Tell me what happened. ” “Im good.” I said looking up at him to avoid reliving that story as I told it. “So you not gone tell me what got you acting like this, what you dreaming about other niggas” “Jay really, No!” I can't even believe he just said that. “Well tell me then.” He demanded. “Jay I don't wanna talk about it.” I said walking away wishing he would just drop it. Even walking pass Jays room had me felling some type of way. I walked downstairs and I heard Jay sigh as he followed. I stood looking out the window watching the sun set while Jay sat on the couch rubbing his head. I went to the couch and snuggled up against him. “So you ready to tell me.” He asked holding me close. I couldn't stop thinking about the s**t and since Jay really wanted to know I blurted it out. “I had a dream that you were dead, okay.” I said in one breath and sighing afterwards. All of a sudden I didn't feel the tightness of Jays arm wrapped around me. Afraid to look up I slowly scooted away. “Look at me.” Jay demanded forcing me to turn his way. “Do I look dead to you.” Jay asked to reassure me that it was only a dream.  “No! But it seemed so real.” “It wasn't, so forget about it.” Jay scooted over towards me. “Im right here and I ain't going no d**n where.” I hate that I even told him that. “I know!”  I replied not really knowing. To avoid any more conversation about this I layed my head down on his chest hoping he wouldn't say none else about it. “You good.” He asked while rubbing his hand through my head. “Yeah.” I stated while looking up towards him. I closed my eyes as he bent his head down to kiss me. I firmly grabbed his dreads as he bit my bottom lip. “I love you.” Jay said releasing my bottom lip from his and piercing his hazel eyes on mine. “I love you more.” I said smiling a little. “You better.” He said before leaning back down into the kiss. Not being able to reply I let Jay take control as our lips locked. The caress of his lips felt softer than ever before. I could feel my heart beat increasing as the kiss grew more intense. I moaned lightly as his hot breath traveled down my neck. I knew I would never get rid of my hickeys if Jay continually did this. My body nearly melted as Jay sucked on my neck.