Sacrilegious ][ WOOSAN

16

San

After Wooyoung leaves the senior lounge, tears start falling again, and I don't even try to stop them, heading to the locker room so I can shower and clean myself up from that confusing whatever that was. Of course his body feels good under mine, but there is just too much going on for me to forgive him that easily. Tomorrow will just be the end of everything for me. No more student council, no more friends, no more school at all. What am I going to do when the video comes out? 

I am left to wonder no longer when a scrawny freshman and his stupid friends watch me and my mess of a self walk towards the locker room. They are watching a video on his phone and occasionally stealing glances in my direction. I attempt to ignore them, but the giggles and straight up rudeness get on my nerves immensely. 

"Hey fag!" The boy screeches at me, and I only pick up my pace before darting into the locker room, and letting the thousands of bottled up tears escape. The shower water runs down my sad face, and I try to forget about everything for a while, washing my hair and body, and after turning off the water, I dress again. Did I deserve this? I ask myself this as I comb my hair and stare at myself in the mirror. Of course I am an entitled freak, fuckboy, slut, literally any bad term against teenage boys would apply to me. Yet, this new one, 'fag', hurt worse than any other. It meant I was betraying God, and going against everything my school taught me, but I wasn't able to admit that I really was...gay, until Wooyoung. Wooyoung ruined everything, but my fucked up self would rather keep him blameless and instead blame myself for every dumb mistake I've ever made in the past. 

I finish tidying myself up and gather up the courage to exit the locker room, and check the time. It's 2:00 meaning I have fifty minutes until the day ends. I could go home now, but I am not ready to face my parents, or anyone for that matter. I look in all directions possible before walking through the empty hallways to my locker. I know the faculty will start throwing out stuff inside my locker once they see the video, so I instead start to clean it out myself. I find gifts from Yeji, old coffee cups, textbooks, drawings, photographs, all reminding me of my friends, girlfriends, happiness. I know at this moment that I have lost it all, I am officially dead to the world. I slide my back down the lockers, and cover my face with my hands, body shaking as I try to prevent a full blown panic attack. 

"Get up." That voice, I fucking can't believe- "I swear to God San, get up, we're going to go talk." 

"Seonghwa, leave me the fuck alone." I am done with his bullshit, and let alone the fact that he contributed to this terrible day.

"You heard me, get up." I am forced up, and I face Seonghwa. To my surprise his eyes are read, and his cheeks blotchy, it's obvious he has been crying. Seonghwa snaps in front of my face to snap me out of my staring contest with his face, and pulls me back to the senior lounge where I was just making out with Wooyoung in. I sit on the chair opposite of the couch where Seonghwa sits, and I just hear Seonghwa sigh loudly before starting to speak. "San, before anything else, I'm sorry."

"Yeah fucking right."

"No San, really. It took actually going through with this plan to wake up something inside of me. I've been an absolute jerk to you, and you never really deserved it. Sure, you fucked every girl who has ever attended this school, and you succeed in literally everything you've ever done, and yeah I'm jealous. You are a favorite of everyone in this shitty school, and I just wanted it to stop. I had no right, I was only-"

"I know Seong." I shake my head disappointedly.

"I just wanted to apologize, and maybe help you work all of this out?"

"I don't want your pity, I can handle this myself. You fucked everything up, but I'll be the 'successful' person I am and fix it myself." I feel more tears sting my eyes. My head throbs from the volume of tears that have exited my eyes before, but that doesn't stop more from threatening to fall. "Why the fuck did you kiss me if you knew I already fucked Wooyoung?" 

"I told you- I was determined to end you-"

"But you are going to fall now too, this video will ruin you too. Especially since you aren't likable in the first place." I laugh at his stupid excuse. "You like me don't you Seonghwa? Or do you just want to fuck? Either way I'm not here for it. You ruined everything, for what? To end mine and your high school careers for fun, just so you can kiss me a couple of times. Yeah I'm hot, just kiss me in private, or I don't know, abuse your vice president powers to call me to clean some graffiti you probably did, just so you can kiss me. Oh wait, you already did that." I am fed up with him and smug face. I couldn't lie and say I never liked his lips on mine, but I am filled with too much rage to cut him slack.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, San. Maybe I just wanted you and your conceited ass out of this school more than I wanted to stay in it." He rubs his head with his palm tiredly, and then stares at me while I stare at him. Both of our eyes drift to each other's lips, and I feel the blood rush to my face. We both get up simultaneously and gaze at each other longingly. Something about kissing two guys on the same day stirs something deep within me that surpasses my anger, and in a moment of weakness, my lips find Seonghwa's again. This time, however, I am the one to initiate, and I kiss him with all I have, lust on overdrive. 

His surprised expression switches quickly to desire as he strokes my thighs and runs his other hand up my shirt, the cold touch causing me to moan. I am so fucking horny, can't I just chill?The answer is no, as I stroke his jawline, and press myself against his body, kissing along his neck, and finding his nape to stroke seductively. "Maybe if you weren't so fucking hot, god damn." Seonghwa mutters as I start to pull off my uniform shirt. 

Suddenly we both hear footsteps, and I rapidly re-tuck my shirt in, and we place ourselves in natural positions at opposite ends of the lounge. I am pretending to put something away in my backpack, and Seonghwa pretends to read from a chemistry textbook. I smile spreads on his face at my flustered self, and I remember again how much I hate him. A group of seniors whom we know very little enter and upon seeing us, leave abruptly. Once we are sure they are gone, we laugh hysterically, slowly forgetting my problems and finding Seonghwa's body once again.

"I'm going to go now, okay?"

"Text me, I'm going to help you from now on."

"I might need that. I know it's your fault, but I am sorry too, for misjudging you before."

"Does that mean you like me now?" Seonghwa smirks and I shake my head dramatically.

"Don't get ahead of yourself." I real smile spreads across my face, but I know behind it is much more confusion and deep sadness that I am reminded of the second I reach my car. 

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