Pretend

19

"I just can't... " Sam paused, not really knowing what else to say to Xendrix and Daniel that could convince them that she's fine without the finding the closure stuff. "I just can't do this now, okay?"

"I understand that." Xendrix said.

Sam frowned. "No you don't."

"Yes we do." Daniel pushed. "And I know that those morons are not thinking straight —"

"You're not thinking straight." She mumbled but Daniel continued his speech, pretending that he didn't hear Sam say that.

"—But you need this and I know that it'll take time but I swear, you won't like the feeling of letting this opportunity go, Sam." Daniel huffed, looking straight at Sam's eyes where she also stared back at him with an unconvinced look on her face. "And I know that feeling."

"You don't know anything!" San argued, glaring at him.

Daniel sighed. "And I know enough to say that you're not fine. You can't let this go on forever, Sam. You can't let it torture you forever."

"But I can't do this... " Sam whispered, her brave facade breaking and she looked down.

"Yes you can." Xendrix convinced, his eyes turning into worry. "Samantha, look at me."

Sam knows that when Xendrix calls her Samantha, that means that he's serious and he's not leaving until this conversation is done and closed.

Sam bit her bottom lip, trying not to cry again as she raise her head up to look at Xen.

Xendrix was staring at her. His eyes filled with nothing but support and love. If the past Xendrix see the guy in front of Sam then he would've told himself that he's gone crazy. But seeing him right now, seeing that raw emotion in his eyes made Sam feel safe. It made her feel like everything will be alright, that they'll be there for her no matter what.

"Why did you forgive us, Sam?" He asked. "Why did you forgive us when we were also keeping that secret from you? We treated you like shit and said things I wish we never have said. Why the hell did you forgive us?"

Why?

Why indeed.

Why would she give him her forgiveness? Why the hell would she let them pull her down and let them enter her heart when it's so fragile and frail? Why did she let them save her?

Why the hell did she give her trust to them?

"Because you're different." She said, her voice cracking as tears started to fill her eyes.

"How?" Xendrix said. Daniel tried to stop him but he just shake him off as he continued to stare at her.

How?

Sam, how were they different?

"Because you weren't them." Sam emphasized, wiping her eyes as the tears have started to fall. "You tried to tell me the truth and you tried to help me... You didn't lie to me... Your emotions and words were true whereas my brothers spoke to me with softness and with care but those sweet words weren't meant for me to begin with..."

Sam punched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes tightly as she heave a deep breathe out. "I can't... I don't know why you guys were different from them... Maybe because you didn't see me or treated me like some doll who you could use and project as your sister."

Xendrix just stared, sadness and pity immediately rushed through him while Daniel moved towards her, pulling her into his warm embrace. Sam immediately wrap her arms around his waist as she look for comfort.

"You need to tell them this, Sam." Xendrix said sadly after a tense silence. "Do you see how it's eating you?"

Sam shake her head.

Xendrix sighed. "Sam... "

Daniel shushed Xendrix and this time, the man didn't argue back. Daniel pat Sam's back comfortingly, placing his chin on top of Sam's head.

"I'm pathetic..." She sobbed into Daniel's chest. "I'm crying again... I've been crying and crying like a brat."

"Shhh... " Daniel hushed. "We can't always control our emotions."

"I just can't do this now."

"We're not forcing you."

Sam have him a watery laugh. "Yes you are... "

Daniel chuckled sadly, patting the girl's back, kissing her head before answering. "Maybe we are. But we're trying to get something inside of your thick skull, Sam."

Sam didn't say anything so Daniel continued.

"Families aren't always perfect. Take mine for example. It went downhill, it fell and it turned into nothing anymore. All I've got now's Xen and I've lived with regrets. Most of them still lives within me. Most of those regrets was not being able to talk to Lydia when she was still alive."

Sam's heart dropped when she heard the name. It's been so long since she've heard that name. Sam breathed heavily as she closed her eyes, trying to wipe all of the bad memories away.

"I was her eldest brother and I wasn't doing a great job at it. If I tried my best then she would've been— She wouldn't do those awful things to you... And that's my fault. It's my fault that you're hurt. If I wasn't—"

Sam looked up at Daniel. "It wasn't your fault, Dan... "

"Sam, it was." Daniel looked down at her. "It was. If I only knew that she was hurting you, if I only knew that she was hurting then this might not be happening. You might've still be with you family, Sam. That regret will forever be with me. I wont let you tell me otherwise. The point is that I don't want you to live a life filled with regrets like mine. You still have a chance to make it right."

Sam stared at him. She knows that. She shouldn't ignore this situation and run away from it because she needs to say the things that she still want to say in front of her brothers.

No, they weren't her brothers.

They were somebody else's.

And she was just filling up the role of the person who've seen them as an actual brother.

Sam can't see that anymore.

She can't see them as her brothers. Or even her family.

To her, they're just the past now.

Sam's slowly seeing that now.

No matter what, they were still her brothers, they were still the one that brought her joy and they'll be the last one that'll bring her pain.

Family's just not about blood. It's also about the people who you've bonded over the days of shit and joy and for Sam, her family's here.

They're right here.

And she's right where she needed to be.

"Okay..." Sam whispered. "I'll try... "

Daniel released a tense breath before kissing her forehead. "Thank you... "

"This calls for a group hug!"

Sam giggled. "What will the past you say about this, Xen?"

Xendrix was already hugging the both of them with a big smile on his face. "He'll say that I've gone soft for you, brat."

She scoffed. "Soft my ass."

"Ah, ah, ah." Daniel glared at her playfully. "Sam, don't be like Xen."

"I'm not, dad." Sam said and Xendrix snorted.

"More like grandpa."

"Oh shut up you two." Daniel scowled.

I pretend for a long time...

Was that bad?

Living a life filled with regrets and lies...

Life's not always a happy ending, isn't it?