Choosing You (JJ Watt)

13.

The smell of dinner greeted J.J. when he entered his home. Glass scraped the metal oven rack and the oven door clattered shut with all the noise that was unmistakably a kitchen appliance. He stopped in the kitchen entryway, leaning up against the wall. Levi stood at the island, arms spread wide as they rested against the countertop. One hand still gripped oven mitts. She stared at the steaming casserole like it had defeated her in Mortal Kombat.

"Pendejo." She muttered

J.J. had watched enough episodes of Narcos to know that word. "Is everything ok, babe?"

With a delayed response, her head lifted. She stared at him as he pushed himself off the wall and walked over to her. Her head dropped again once he invaded her space.

"There's only two of us. I made too much casserole for two people."

J.J. sighed, wrapping his arms around his wife's waist from behind. He kissed her temple. "We'll just have plenty of leftovers. It's ok."

She turned slightly so J.J. could see her profile. Light reflected off the tears in her eyes. "I got five plates out of the cabinet to set the table before I realized."

He rested his head on top of her, unable to formulate a response that could comfort her. Truth was, there wasn't one. J.J. moved one hand in between her shoulder blades and began to massage her back.

A shakey sigh left Levi's body as she leaned into her husband's touch. Slowly, he worked the tension out of her neck and shoulders.

"How was work today?"

"I," She paused. "Didn't go in today. I told them I needed another day yet.

"Will you go in tomorrow?"

"I should..."

"That didn't answer my question."

"I know."

He opted to let the conversation close there. Slowly, he eased up on the pressure he applied to her back until they just stood there, quiet in the kitchen, wrapped in eachother's arms, staring at the much too large casserole dish.

"It's going to get cold if we keep staring at it." J.J. kissed his wife's cheek. He felt the faint uptick of her cheeks against his lips.

"We should eat then. It's not good cold."

J.J. nodded, giving his wife one last squeeze. He pulled two glasses from the cupboard and filled them with ice and water. Levi grabbed her oversized casserole and set it on the table with a serving spoon. The sides were already set. Silverware scraped ceramic plates. There was no conversation between the couple. The silence said everything.

Levi looked the same as she had when J.J. found her in the kitchen. He searched and searched his brain for the words that could make it all better, but there were none. He knew because his wife looked like how he felt.

"I didn't think it would be this hard." J.J. looked up from his plate. eager for his wife to continue. He longed to know what was running through her mind. "They were only here for a month. It shouldn't be this difficult." She ran her hands over her face. It was obvious she was barely containing her emotions.

"We love them."

"They're not ours to love."

J.J. sighed, resting his elbows on the table. He glanced out the window, mumbling. "Well, maybe they should be."

Levi's fork clattered to her plate, drawing J.J.'s attention back toward her. "No."

"What?"

"I said no. You don't get to have spent the past six months telling me this isn't what you wanted just to go ahead and change your mind like this."

"Are you getting upset with me for suggesting I may want kids after all?"

"Yes!"

J.J. looked at her dumbfounded. Levi wanted to smack the look off his face.

"The kids you want are unattainable."

"Says who? Maybe their aunt doesn't even want to be the guardian of four kids. It's a lot to manage."

"Says the very skilled, highly trained social workers, J! They made sure they're going to a safe, stable home."

"What's wrong with ours? We know nothing about their Aunt. Liza didn't even remember her"

"We don't get to know. That's how this works."

"Couldn't you at least-"

"Don't finish that sentence. The moment I brought them into our home, I lost any privileges into knowing about their case."

"That doesn't seem fair. You deserve to know."

"This is how it's done. You can't honestly tell me that if you knew where they lived you wouldn't go over there."

"Would it be so bad if we did?"

Levi sighed, cleaning up her place at the table. "I'm not about to debate the protocols of Child Welfare with you."

Levi turned on her heels. J.J. hung his head. The dishes within the dishwasher clattered from his wife's frustrated motions before the door slammed shut.

"I'm sorry..."

His wife pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to relieve the pressure building in her head. Tears pushed against her eyelids. "What do you want? Because if it's kids, you know I'm in 110%. If it's just us, then we can get there, but I can't live in the limbo of you going back and forth."

"I want Landon and Henry and Liza and Sadie."

"They're not ours to have, and there's no way to change that."

"Were we even considered as options?"

"Why would we have been?" Levi's voice began to rise again. "Up until three weeks ago, you were itching to get them out of here! So of course I told Sherryl we weren't an option!"

"I'm allowed to change my mind." J.J. tried to keep himself from raising his voice, but couldn't. The couple was hurting.

"Oh, yes." The sarcasm dripped from Levi's mouth. "I've become very aware of that this past year!"

J.J.'s reply died at the tip of his tongue. Standing before him was nothing more than a fragile shell of his wife. She'd been waning away emotionally. He'd hardly noticed it. Guilt fell heavy on his shoulders.

"Babe..."  He stepped toward her.

She backed away, bumping into the kitchen cabinets. It hurt him, but he couldn't blame her.

"Levi."

She crossed her arms and looked away, but she didn't move. Progress. He put a hand on the counter beside her, effectively trapping her from one side.

"Levya."

Tears clouded his vision. His free hand cupped her cheek, tilting her head up. His thumb wiped away one of her tears.

"I'm sorry," He whispered. She finally met his gaze. "I'm so damn sorry for everything."

He pressed his forehead to her temple. She let out a shaky sigh, her tears falling freely now. Her hand ran through his short hair, squeezing the back of his neck. She buried her head in his neck, letting the sobs rattle her body. Her knees gave way. J.J. caught her, sliding them to the kitchen floor in a heap of tears, holding the other like a lifeline. Falling apart together, they knew something was finally mending.